Here we go again

I never in my right mind thought it would be so hard to get back on track and take the road I need to take to reach these huge goals I have for myself.  What goals?  More compeitions, more wins, pro, model and use my LCSW in the middle by counseling competitors!  Seriously, these are MY dreams and goals and I know it's not going to be easy to reach them, I know.  I wonder though what it's going to take for me to GET IT.  I honestly think it's going to be stepping on that scale in the morning.  It's my first official weigh in after the competition and I am dreading it.  Mainly because I know after the 4 days I had of binging when I said I was over it, that lasted about a day and I was back at it then it lasted another 1/2 day and here I am sitting here about to be even more honest in this blog than I was in my last.

I was at work today and I did GREAT all morning.  Had an awesome breakfast, tons of coffee, the sun was out and things were going to be great!  Killed my legs and I know I am going to fall out of my bed tomorrow morning bc I won't be able to bend them, squat, sit on the toilet or use stairs.  Post workout had a salad and then that time, inbetween 2-4 where I get super bored.  Something about this time absolutely kills me and I started eating some walnuts.  TALIA! where the fuck is your head?!! These are a trigger food!!! So I still have tables and I am waiting for them to cash out when one of the night servers comes in with a container of...what else but NUTS!!! fuck my life.  Seriously, I can't resist, my thought process is well you already ate the walnuts.  This thought lead me to start eating french fries, then I had some oreo crumbs then went over and got some pecans and cranberries.  I finally left and went to my second restaurant job.  Some croutons, some chocolate, 1/2 diet hot chocolate (haha at this point I am like wow, diet, really?) whipped cream and sprinkles and then I took home a homemade stomboli and a salad and then of course I had to have 2 scones and chocolate chip cookies.  Is your jaw dropping to the fucking ground yet? This is my world, this is my problem, it's embarassing, it's more than will power, it's a disease.  Just like being an alcoholic, go read some stuff on Overeaters Annonymous it's the same thing.  If you want to know me and if you are my friend you already know and if not either ask or you really will never get it or understand it.

Ew I am grossed out reading all of that.  So this blog is clearly going to be very different from the last.  No more hiding things, letting it all hang out, if I want to reach my goals I am going to have to do better than this and the first step is in addition to not eating peanut butter, almond butter or any other kind of nut butter I will also include nuts of all kinds shapes and forms.  No 100 calorie packs, no bulk foods, no trail mix, no nuts at work, school or home damn it! Get the damn nuts away from me!  It is a trigger!  I have no control over triggers, once they touch my lips it's over and then the feelings of negativity swarm in and it takes over me.  It makes me feel like I am a failure and that I will always be a failure and that I will never reach my goals.  Well I am sick of that voice always winning!  There HAVE been times when I was able to do well ...I have so much support, I need to stop making decisions with my feelings and start using the truth!!!