Get on the good foot!

24 hours ago I was sitting here in my room whining and being upset with myself for making bad decisions.  Decisions I knew I was going to make, knew they were bad but I made them anyways.  Today I decided to let that all go and put it behind me and even though it's harder than the actual binging because the day after always seems to be harder to get back on track, I did it.  When I think about it, gee, Talia thinking? No way!  For Fucks sake if there was one day I could go without overanalyzing everything I may actually get ahead in this rat race, but no, instead my big brain and mouth ALWASYS get me in trouble, whatever I can't help but ask questions and get to know things, I always need to know because it kills me when I don't.  Anyways, I forgot what I was even going to write because I just overanalyzed overanalyzing.

Either way it's hard to talk about the binge eating issue with other people who can't relate.  I get scared to meet someone and then have to reveal all of me to them and maybe this is why I do not want a committed relationship right now, or do I?  I say I don't but then I fall fast, so maybe I shouldn't start to begin with.  I know right now I am doing me, I am doing what I want to do to make myself happy and reach my dreams.  Competition dieting is NOT easy.  For the next 66 days I will devote myself to sticking to the plan given to me by my trainer, to trust the process, trust the plan and trust the person that gave it to me.  I know he wants me to succeed and reach my dreams and I know everyone else that supports me wants to see me achieve them as well.  I know that if it was easy we would all have perfect trophy winning photo shoot ready bodies but that's just not the case.  Everyone that enters this sport has a determination and a drive like no other but it's not just the people that compete but the people I have come across that just want to make their lives better and healthier.  Each one of us will struggle with our own battles, but ultimately it is up to us to win the battle, no one else can fight them for us, they can only give us the right weapons to use, we just have to choose the right ones at the right times and sometimes it doesn't happen like that. 

If you want something bad enough you will figure out what needs to be done to get it and I am figuring that out right now.  I know I can workout hard, go to the gym everyday if I had to, do double sessions if I had to but I also know that's not healthy, it's unrealistic to keep that up and it's just plain dumb for your body.  I also know I could under eat to make up for over eating but again, DUMB.  Right now my biggest struggle is with eating, picking, snacking, substituting, being stubborn, wanting to do it my way and from this past competition I think I have come a LONG way since that and I hope my trainer sees it too it's just these slips that seem to happen as we get closer and closer that derail me into thinking I am a failure and can't do it.  I know that is not true though and I know if I give it 110% from now until the day of that show I can do good things, great things, wonderful things!!!!!!! I am so thankful for all of those people who have not given up on me!  You are the ones that help keep my faith!!! <3