He asked if I texted anyone, called anyone, anything? No. I didn't. Why didn't I? I have no idea, why didn't I? As I sit here and think about how much support I have I know every single person that I could have texted would have gotten me out of the desire to eat off my plan, but maybe subconsciously I didn't want anyone to, I wanted to just do it, but then feel guilty about it after, complain, cry, pout, get upset? Where is the pay off in any of that? There is none. So what IS my deal? I am not sure, for once I am lost, I don't know what to think or where to go with my contradicting behavior. I want to compete but I binge, I want to do a photo shoot so I indulge in chocolate, I want to win but I don't reach out before I do something I know is a mistake. I started writing this in hopes I would come up with some really great answers but the more I type the less I can come up with and all I can think about is the binge eating disorder. To obtain professional help is useless for they would steer me way from my goal of competing, they would tell me that competing is feeding into this when in reality I am better than I was now that I am competing compared to when I was not.
The two things that stand out to be the most right now are (1) the thought and (2) the correction. By the thought I mean I literally had the thought in my mind to go get chocolate and eat it but no where in my plan was to text anyone. I didn't want anyone to know and maybe I really didn't want anyone to steer me away bc I knew no matter what they said the thought was already there and I was going to do it anyways. Afterward comes the thoughts of correction, what can I do to fix this so I don't have to tell my trainer, what can I do to fix this so I can still see that scale move down Saturday morning. Extra cardio sessions immediately pop up into my head, not eating the rest of my meals for the day is another idea. Both extremely unhealthy and both feeding into the binging because then in my head its like knowing that even if I do it again I will have a way to fix it. In reality while talking with my trainer did it really hit me deeper than this. I do have a VERY large support system that would have gotten me away from the thoughts and isn't that what I long for? Do I not long for being free of binge eating, free of feeling like I need to be perfect, free to look myself and say, wow,, I did this! Why would I let myself destroy so many goals I set out for myself? I feel like I am the number one reason why I take two steps forward and 4 steps back.
I need to saddle up and move on, move forward, move in the direction I set out to go in, not sit here and wallow in my self-doubt, my self-pity, my negative self talk, these negative thoughts are what lead me to believe that I can't do this and that I should just give up, but I know I can and I wont give up. My biggest step right now will be to commit to texting, calling, screaming at, facebooking, or anything else when I want to veer off my path because soemtimes we don't want to hear the truth, sometimes we hate other people who tells us what we SHOULD hear and not what we want to hear but I have those people around me that will tell me what I NEED to hear and I am so thankful to have such trusting, caring and loving people in my life....
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