The Doctor is in

The above picture I found on my friend Kayla's blog!  Huge shout out to her, you are amazing girl!  It is Sunday, my only day off, off from work and training and I am doing a little bit of self reflecting.  First of all I would like to say that yesterday I put myself in a depressed state of mind over food, once again.  I usually have to work a double but I had seminar at school and so I was home earlier than normal.  I over indulged in peanut butter and took my mind into a downward spiral.  It was all too familiar and at first I knocked it out, keeping my spirits up, my positivity flowing but by the time I got out of work I was in serious trouble.  I had the binging mindset, I want to throw in the towel, I put my pajamas on and started using my internet addiction.  I went on my support pages, Team Fit, Apiring and Current Bikini and Fitness competitiors, looked at updates and then I started to seek out help.  I started chatting, friend requesting and just reaching out to others and it REALLY helped.  I ended up going out, had a blast and came home starving but knew I didn't want to go that route.  Thanks Megan!!!!  :)

I woke up feeling refreshed from being able to sleep 8 hours, not having to rush around and knowing I had the whole day off but as I laid there I still contemplated getting up and getting into that peanut butter.  Why Talia?  After doing that yesterday why in the world would you want to put yourself into the same exact position for 2 minutes of satisfaction with food?  Why are you gauging your happiness based on foods you can or can not consume?  Do you feel good after over indulging?  Are you going to be happy when you realized you consumed another half jar of peanut butter? After you eat the peanut butter are you going to be able to stop yourself from binging?  ALl of these questions swirled my head and eventually I answered them one by one; why? I am not sure, no, no, no, no, and no were the answers.  What do I really want?  To be better than I ever was and I know I am not going to get there with food.

I titled this the Doctor is in because I have and am sturggling with something that I KNOW for a fact a lot of individuals in this fitness world struggle with; food.  I am not sure who knows this but I am currently in school getting my Master's in Social Work which means after I will be a Master in something.  I chose this field because I can do more with it than specifying in a Psych field.  My ULTIMATE DREAM is to not only be a bikini pro but to be a counselor for those in the fitness profession, competing world, who deal with issues such as eating disorders, exercise disorders, body image and anything else you can think of.  I think because I have and am first hand experiencing this I had a better lead than a Doctor who knows nothing about the field.  I have wanted to "talk" to a professional on more than one occassion but does anyone realize what doing this would do?  It would end with the competing as the number one source for all of these problems when in reality it might be but I would not be going to discuss quitting, I would be going to discuss the issues associated with it and I would get no help or direction.  Why?  because most of these professionals are only trained to deal with the issue and not the other "stuff" and this is one of the many reasons why I want to get into this field.  I think it is a HUGE field but yet largely untouched.  In the WNY area alone there are NO eating disorder clinics, even discussing it with my Professor to figure out where I should intern next year to pursue my interests did he have any suggestions because there is nothing out here.  What does this suggest?  A few things (1) there isn't a need?  I do NOT buy into that, my father told me a story just as I was explaining this about his hairdressers daughter who entered in a support group with people ranging in age from extremely younger than her to extremely older than her, it didn't help (2) there are not enough people trained in this area (3) there are not enough funds.  Whatever the excuses or reasons are I will pursue these dreams as much as I have to and if it leads me to having to move then I will do it because this is what I WANT to do!!!