That is my gorgeous girl Kayla!! Love you girl!!!!! This blog is dedicated to all of the people that struggle with any kind of disordered anything. I mean let's get serious, as humans we struggle with many different types of mental issues. I obtained my undergrad in Psychology, minor in Sociology and am working on getting my Master's in Social Work. My biggest interest lies within the scope. of fitness and the struggles many of us go through with having no one to talk to but each other. I never would have thought that Facebook would bring me closer to the types of people I have been looking to meet. When I started my competition journey last year I started it because I needed a solid goal but my major concern was my binging.
First of all, many people might not even know what binging means, well it's an eating disorder, called Binge Eating Disorder. Briefly it is when I person consumes an excessive amount of food over a certain time period usually in a few hours, for me it would last all day more than once a week. This individual doesn't puke it up but ends up with a seriously scarred mental wound after doing it for years. Just like any other eating disorder when a person binges, when I binged, I knew I was doing it, sometimes I would even plan it, discretely, or around people that didn't know otherwise. Sometimes it crept up by the little voice inside saying "just take a bite of this" then it would lead to an all out binge making it harder and harder to stop or talk myself out of it. I turned this into an I because I want to share my experience with this as it makes it more truthful. It's hard to explain fully, but it goes deeper than saying to me "just stop" "don't eat that" "should you be eating that?" if my mind was in binge mode, no one was stopping me. It's hard to keep typing about it because I have struggled with this even before I started competing, since I always write, I just found some journals just to give you an example ::this is really deep stuff kids, ok not really but I have written deeper things I don't really want to share::
"May 31st, 2009.....so for a very long time I have been counting calories, counting, restricting, depriving and binging and it is a continuous cycle that is not changing"
"December 27th, 2009...Binge AGAIN! Damn how so I stop this?"
"January 2, 2010...I went home with munchies. I destroyed cheerios snack mix, cereal and cluster cereal. I had a min binge attack but luckily we didn't have anything else worth gorging into
"January 1st, 2011.....I wish I could stop labeling foods as good and bad...I don't want to feel like this fat slob I currently feel like..."
It is clear that this has been going on even before 2009 for me and this year something finally clicked and I have officially made it, not without a bloodshed, 4 weeks without binging. Of course I haven't been perfect, I have had days where I over ate things and still felt that deep guilt that constantly talked me into just throwing up my hands, putting up the white flag and wallowing in all the unhealthiest foods I could get my hands on and if I couldn't I would literally go buy them. The problem is what happens if I do slip bigger than just excessive calories? I used to cover that up with excess exercise and then I had a different problem. I guess now I worry that I know I am not perfect, I know I will slip but after saying I haven't binged in 4 weeks how will I feel if I do? Will I be so disappointed that I let it go on for days or will I stop it before it gets out of control? How can I say I will binge again? Wouldn't I want to continue the pattern of NOT binging, well you would thinkso but this is how my over analyzing begins...
Anyways, this is just a dip into my world and my done piece and after creating the group Fit Struggles I have confirmed where my heart is and what population I want to work with. Eating disorders, exercise disorders, competitors and non competitors of the like. Well as much as I would love to continue writing (1) this is long enough already and (2) I need to focus on this other current even so I don't fuck it up too bad
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