Guess whos back?

I'm back bitches!  HAPPY NEW YEAR!  I mean seriously I am not even going to waste this precious blog time looking back on 2011 INSTEAD I am going to say Tabula Rasa which ok means at birth we are given a clean slate but I am using that now too.  Right now I feel like I have a clean slate, a fresh start, a brand new year for a brand new me and I am going to give every single second my 110% best and be the 120% best kind of human being I can be.  My number 1 goal is to take my words and turn them into actions.

I plan on blogging a lot, sharing a lot of inspirational photos and such and if you are someone that is annoyed by all of this (I am assuming if you are reading this you are NOT one of those people:: but I LOVE that stuff!  I can not WAIT to get an iphone and be in everyone else's world ALL day long.  Although my friend count might go down I can twitter too and have people follow me on there!! ahhhh so much exciting things for 2012!!

Making EPIC shit happen this year!!!

Kelsy is also my laptop background

This pic is so sexy and my brother just asked me "why do you have a girl as your background picture?  He will be 30 in January so I am SURE he wasn't not offended at all.  We were watching a youtube video of some dude crashing right into some rocks that just fell off of a friggin mountain.  He got out and said he didn't see it..copy and paste this for enjoyment.. http://youtu.be/gBmE92n5mEI

Today was amazing, well part of it.  I slept for 12 hours which is a victory all in and of itself.  I was super tired last night at work.  Any who I woke up and made coffee only to find out that my one dog has been puking and shitting all morning.  Needless to say I started thinking about her and how she has been sick and of how absolutely devastating it is to lose an animal.  I know she is not on her death bed but it still made my heart hurt.  

Random thought insertion:  After almost 6 years without smoking I was craving a cigg BAD at work the other day.  Of course I didn't give in, I never would but it would be great if I could just enjoy one every once in awhile without it being an immediate addiction.  

The gym was my outlet today, hit it hard, ran and did some weights! I am definitely feelin more positve and waiting on my meal plan from my trainer.  I just got a text with my new macros and my heart fluttered with slight pain when seeing my carbs (79).  ::insert huge sigh here:: it's ok, I mean I did eat my face off for long enough, time to get sexy again.  No wait, let me rephrase that..time to get SEXIER!!!!! I wish I could use cardio or exercise as a emotion filler.  For example when I am bored out of my mind at Applebee's I wish I could do something physical but then I will be sweaty and gross for my guests..not cool.

After the gym I went shopping for some Christmas gifts, came home and wrapped them and I am finally feelin the Christmas spirit.  Last year I went a little over board on gifts and so this year we decided to put a spending limit up and I already hate it because I feel like I want to buy more :( 

Tomorrow I am hoping to start my new meal plan as close to it as possible.  If he sends it to me tonight I can pull it off but if he doesn't send it to me until later and I get it in the am it might be harder but I WILL make it work. Cardio in the am, work and then to the gun range!!!! BOOM!!!

In the running!

So I haven't written in awhile.  I was taking a mini vacation from blogging about my binging and eating problems.  Honestly, I just feel like the boy who cried wolf writing this things with the same shit over and over.  I messed up, I hate myself, I want to cry, I need to go to bed, tomorrow is a new day, start over, yadda yadda yadda blah fuckin blah.  That's NOT an exciting blog and now I wonder why I only have 4 followers this time.

Lets talk some good shit.  So, I finally got my period, TMI yes ..BUT..there is a good story behind it that leads to more annoyances in my life.  Well, I honestly though  might be pregnant.  It made perfect sense, last period was in September, the ex ditched me October 20th, sex definitely occured somewhere before that and a missed pill also happened at one point that month.  Fast FWD to that Saturday and my pills were lost, definitely could have been possible but NEGATIVE test result!  I know this sounds sick and twisted and I definitely would have been pissed if I would have been carrying around my ex's baby that I haven't talked to since then (hell to the no, I do not need to, I am NOT that girl) but is it weird that I kind of was like hmm, well, if I am I would have it.  Fucked up right?  Not really.  I mean think about it.  I do NOT plan on getting into a relationship anytime soon.  I am not interested in anyone in that way and so who seriously knows if I will ever end up getting married and having the American dream because quite frankly I don't like being stressed over that shit.  Well really it doesn't matter because I am not going to be a mom and I am glad for that.

I signed up for a bodyspace profile on bodybuilding.com and BEST IDEA..EVER!  It makes me really stop and think about how many hot bodies, I mean people, I mean it makes me think about how many amazing people I haven't met yet :) 

I have also decided that my blogs will consist of the more interesting things that go on in my life, like for example someone deleting their facebook for a few days because they found themselves stalking me too much.  ;)  You still make me laugh, you know who you are (because I KNOW you will read this-text me when you see this!), but ur crazy..about me, I know, I know,...I am pretty awesome :)  or even this one..spending my birthday writing a paper and going to class.  WOW...28 has been boring..will someone please help spice this up?

I also decided that I will turn all of my negative thoughts into positive ones and so instead of blogging about how since Thanksgiving I have not been able to get back on track I will say things like today I finally pulled it together, prevailed over a ridiculous amount of annoyance today and made my macros!!!!

Last thing is this ...shut the fuck up Talia and do it!

Almost 28 reflection of a year

I am a little over an hour away from being tecnhiqually called 28.  The first thing that came to mind was having to enter that into the cardio equipment at the gym, it will change my THR, will I be in a different age bracket on surveys? Why am I still living at home and don't have a career yet?

EERRRRRR...REWIND, STOP, HOLD UP MISS. NEGATIVO.  Let me tell you, this is exactly the way of thinking I want to avoid.  When that clock strikes midnight I will have another year of life experiences under my belt and out of 12 of those months about 9 of them were spent being single. If I can take my life back to last year I was dancing my ass off downtown in my over the knee boots, drinking the night away, falling and doing things I don't even remember.  New Year's was the same, shakin my rum downtown and drinking my money away.  What can I say, they call me Rumpshaker!

  Fast forward to March and I'm at the St. Patrick's Day parade with work friends and my bestie Nicole.  I had an absolute blast until I came home and puked, not from drinking too much but from eating too much.  This was the turning point for me, I knew I needed a bigger goal, I knew this wasn't the way I wanted to experience life so I vowed to try and not drink for 30 days, I did  it and have been going ever since.  Not one drip of alcohol since March 21st, 2001.  At this point I called up my current Trainer Ron and told him I wanted to start training for a show.  I felt like it would be the drive I needed to stop my binging, my yo yo dieting and help me reach my goals and dreams.  I went to Florida in May and felt like a complete frump dump.  My friend Nicole had lost so much weight, the friend Kristin we were going to see was in the best shape of her life and I had boobs the size of watermelons and was binge eating up a storm.

When I came back from Florida I started training for a show that would take place in October.  It was something like I never experienced before.  I was still binging here and there but progress was occurring.  I wasn't perfect, I got frustrated, I cried I even met a new guy in the process.  Things were great, then all of a sudden they went sour and a week before the show I was seeing myself indulge in foods I never should have had in my hands and ended up looking worse on show date than I did the week before.  I got dumped 2 days before, my heart was broken, I was upset, mad, sad, frustrated but yet still had to strut across the stage in a tini pink bikini and show the judges what I had accomplished.  I was proud for doing it and I have become hooked.  I have had time to indulge again and as I sit here and think about where I want my life to take me I think I am reaching the point where I either need to do it or just let it go.  Considering that these are my dreams I think it's time I grow up and stop making excuses for myself.

This reflection was wonderful! Thanks for reading! lol

BECAUSE!

I have been gone for awhile...I know you may wonder why but I am sure you already know that it's because I have been eating bad and I was too embarrassed to admit it.  Stupid holidays, stupid emotions, stupid me.  Not going to spend my whole blog bitching about it.  Only I can move on or stay in the same rut but this rut isn't going to win or place better in my next competition. I have to keep constantly reminding myself that I am not fucking perfect but it seems like I have to be in order to be obtaining the macros I need. I spent like 45 minutes last night tracking and preparing my food.  I was hoping to do it for the whole week but I got super frustrated and said fuck it, and realized looking too far ahead was driving me up the fucking wall.  

Had to work a double at Applebee's today and I am not going to lie, it was dead, I was super bored and my 2nd shift was in the kitchen and I was seriously getting anxiety thinking about all the foods I could be eating.  Instead though, I re-directed my spinnin wheels into that if I eat xyz it will only make me want more and then I on't be able to stop and then I will go into binge mode and then I will come on here and bitch because I couldn't hold myself together.  Let me tell you, there was food someone didn't pick up because they went to the wrong location, endless amounts of fries, the bins filled with oreo crumbs and crushed walnuts and they well ALL screaming my name!!  Seriously, they were, no lie.  I had everything planned, even the times but I did have to eat one meal earlier because I knew if I waited I would just pick on stuff and I had my meal waiting for me to eat it.  No big deal though, I toughed it out, I thought of that new bikini that's on it's way, I thought of how nasty I feel and how I was so much happier when I was eating healthy regularly and NOT binging.

So here I am, once again my macro goals are 1564/56/150/140 and today because I planned, because I stuck with the plan, because I really deeply thought before I reacted I ended at 1577/43/146/139.  

I have been stressin lately about a few things but I am really trying to focus on my goals and my dreams.  I know what I want out of life, I know where I want to be and go, who knows what will happen who knows where I will end up or where I will be living or what I will be doing but all I do know is that I am a selfish bitch and so it will all be about ME!

so close!!

Actual:1678/55/140/165

Goal: 1564/56/150/140

Signs of seriously needing an iphone: I went over calories because I was tracking them after I got home but I was hungry so I started eating my rice cakes with some almond butter on it and I ended up going over because I forgot to put something in, GRRRRRR.  It's ok though because looks like the calories were from protein anyways so I am sure my quads and glutes ate that shit up!  It's really frickin crazy how hard it is to eat MORE carbs when I am allowed too, I mean when I was at 100 it was so hard not to go over but now it's bumped up to 150 and I am like so crab crazy I end up being super cautious and being under!  I am kind of distraught because I was so focused on being as close as I can be because I really am doing this different the second time around.  I talked to my trainer today and got out some kinks and some worries over Thanksgiving feast.  My problem in earlier years was not eating all day so I could kill 3500 calories in 1 sitting.  Never works well for me so I am planning on hitting the gym so a good breakfast before, then a post workout and then the FEAST! sooo excited!!!

TMI- you can probably skip this part but I am feeling a little bloated today.  Not sure why, sodium was at about 1200 for the day and yesterday was around the same.  I still haven't received a visit from mother nature and again it makes me sick when I want it be here.  Maybe this is finally the week.  Jeepers.

What else is going on in the life of Talia?  Well I guess certain things are happening that are making me stress out but I put the brakes on that shit.  Talia doesn't like to be stressed and it just kills me to have my head spinning so much.  On another note, where the hell am I going to get money to Christmas shop?  Amount I have saved since last year $0...woops

p-p-p-p-lower

Actual:1590/54/145/139

Goal:   1564/56/150/140 (I think-and I am too lazy to go check)

Today, minus having to be around death was great.  I had the whole day off so I got to sleep in and just did my cardio a few hours ago with a friend of mine.  This friend I am super proud of because she is starting to really eat healthy and workout regularly again.  I am not going to lie and she knows this is true but she was such a difficult person to be around with her eating habits.  At one point she had drive thru cups in her rooms from 4 different places (and most of them weren't even hardly touched- a waste of money and calories if you ask me!)

I have also been having some crazy what if thoughts lately.  It's super crazy how the world brings things on when you aren't ready for them, just sits back and watches your life unfold.  I know I need to take life day to day grabbing it by it's reigns and going to the top of the world or where ever I want to go for that day.  I have learned from the past but I know I can not let it define me and I am trying NOT to do that but it is one of those things that's easier said than done.  Especially when it comes to relationships and this is not a time in my life that I need to be stressed out.  I do not like it.  I like where I am right now, chasing my dreams, reaching my goals, and whoever wants to travel with me on this journey is welcome.  I do not want to make irrational decisions anymore.  The only thing is if I leave some things behind or don't take that chance, will I miss out on opportunity that life is presenting to me?  Or am I being tested?  

Fuck it. livin how I want...

Check-in

1570/54/135/146.   My macro goal is 1564/56/150/140  :)

I don't really need to say anything else other than the fact that I am so dumb, really really dumb for real for always giving in to the devil on my shoulder waving around carbs.  I honestly do not understand why I always seem to do it the day before I weigh in, knowing that they have such an effect on my weight and appearance.  Oh well.  Seriously time to learn from that.  I have new macros which is AMAZING because I get 50 more grams of carbs than before and I can nom nom nom all day long on carbs, good ones of course.  Speaking of noming, really doesn't have anything to do with it but can you fucking believe that shit with the place McDonald's gets their eggs from?!  Unbelieveable that this shit still continues to go on.  I didn't even bother to watch it becasue my bestie gave it all away for me, and needless to say I had to say "STOP STOP STOP while she tried to tell me everything that they were doing.  It's videos like that that had me crying on my parents bed for 2 hours and lead me to vegetarianism.  It's true we hide ourselves from the truth, I know the truth but yet I still eat them :(  What can I say?  There are only so many different ways a girl can make tofu and damn I can't even iamgine being a vegetarian bikini competitor?!?!

Yes, by the way, now that we are on this topic of choice.  It has been brought to my attention on more than one occasion that I should not get bulky, big, manly or too muscular.  NEWS FLASH and I am sorry if this sounds mean but what I am doing does NOT involve getting bulky, manly or too muscular.  The competition world is hard to explain to people that don't do it but even harder to explain to those who don't make working out a priority in their life.  As a matter of fact it's even difficult to explain the process, the calorie counting, tracking, weighing, measuring, it really could be diagnosed behavior.  I don't want to be a mean nasty bitch and maybe I will come across as being such but it's kind of like this and like that and like this and uh... do your research.Thanks bye

pppplower

Look at this chic strut it!  The scale made me mad this morning and so I have to blog about it because I need to start venting through words and not through food.  I was good all week until yesterday, I am going to blame in on my trainer.  He texted me when I was at work and gave me my new macros which included a macro increase.  I literally leaped and jumped for joy through the kitchen and one employee actually said "wow, you are strange"  I know this.  You know what?  Here is another "You know you are a competitor when.." you jump up and down like a little child when your trainer increases your carbs.  LMFAO

Anyfrickinways- the progress pics and now this scale weight, which I am sure 1 pounds could be from muscle (that's what I am telling myself) and another pound from consuming too much sodium (seems logical) so I am really going to change things up this week.  My new macros are set 1564/52/150/140 so I am going to really push myself to get as close to them as possible, as accurately as I can with my calorie tracking weighing and measuring what I can and estimating anything else when I need to.  It is going to be tough and even harder when I am at my waitressing jobs but I just need to suck it up and do it.  I am already a little over 4 weeks before my next competition and I there is no time to be fucking around this time.  I am already on a good track but it needs to be improved.  So again, my goal is to reach macros as closely as possible today!  I will definitely be blogging more to hold myself more accountable

Have a great Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!

What it takes to come alive

I just took new photos for my progress pics and all I can say is EWWWW. !!  I can't believe how much can change in such a short amount of time.  Honestly, it takes something like that to really get me focused and I wish I would have done it earlier.  I know I have to let it go and being close to show weight is NOT realistic.  I get that.  I am not going to sit here and think I will be at that weight all year round because I know it's not possible BUT... right now I am thinking no further than this.  SEEING what I am carrying around even though it's only 8 pounds it REALLY makes a difference.  Especially for crazy bitches like me who know my body, the changes, etc.  Anyone that works out regularly and has seen their body change knows EXACTLY what I am talking about.  We ourselves are the ones who can ALWAYS tell a MAJOR difference even if to other people it looks like nothing has changed.  Why am I randomly screaming certain words?  I just like to EMPHASIZE.  

Anyways in the words of Ron I am using them as "fuel for your fire"  It is what it is and it really makes a huge difference when you are a little lax on your diet and not paying as much attention.

My goal for the next week is to focus on reaching my new macros and really seriously hitting them everyday, not going over or under but like spot ON!  I have done it before and I know I can do it again and I guess it took chunky monkey progress pics to get me to recognize it.  So be it! It's ON!  How will I be in the top 3 if I don't put in the effort now?  How will I ever be a bikini model if I am lax on my diet.  Granted right now is a better time to do it than ever but still, if I want to improve I have to start now and not later like I did before.  I am not saying I have been doing bad, I am actually a lot better off than I was before and I am proud of that but after seeing these pics I need to take it up a notch.  You are probably wondering what's with the pics? Where are they?  All I can say is, they are going to be amazing before photos.  This is what it takes to come alive! Self motivation!!!!

Regulators!!!

 This chic is the start of the "I want to look like that" and "I want to do that" goals

So here I am.  In my bulking phase.  My first week... lost a pound.  Inside I was screaming for joy because what girl wants to see the scale go up.  On the surface I was more or less confused, as was my trainer, who said what?  Ok, so when you have to lose you gain and when you have to gain you lose?  Yeah I am not sure I am getting it either.  ANYWAYS.  This phase is a little hard getting used to because everything is reversed.  There are no restrictions, I am supposed to be gaining weight and building muscle and so techniqually this should be the time when I am all out binging but I haven't.  I over ate a few times and it made me feel somewhat guilty and so this rant today is about eating in moderation.

I was at work today and had some fries.  No big deal.  Tracked it.  Had some walnuts.  No big deal.  Tracked it.  Had some lemon pound cake.  Now I am starting to freak out, because now the thoughts of wanting more, something different, thoughts start brewin up.  Went to church with my friend and I keep thinking "what will I do when I get home?"  The evil side of me says "raid that fuckin cupboard" while the bikini competitor in me says "no you will NOT do such things"  

The bikini competitor side of me won today but I still worry that I do not know how to eat these sort of things in mdoeration.  Or do I?  Or am I learning?  Or do I need to Shut the hell up?  

Everything in moderation is fine is what the consensus is.  What about us binge eaters though?  We know there are certain things that we just can not eat or it will send us into a raging spiral of shoveling food into our faces and then feeling guilty and bloated later.  It's never worth it but the thought will never go away unless it's done.  If I restrict though, it is only a matter of time before that bomb goes off because it is absolutely ticking away like a grenade! So if I am eating clean all week and then my re-feed comes and I go balls to the walls wouldn't it just have been better to eat what I craved in moderation throughout the week to even it out?

I don't know and I can't think about it any longer.  I did though just pass the test of today..I got home, turned on my cracked laptop because I dropped it on gravel today in a livestrong drawstring bag which obviously didn't help save it. Luckily for me, it only busted open the side, the screen is ok, the keyboard works, everything works...for now...started drinking water and I am no longer craving or thinking I need to eat more crap.  I mean really..what would it accomplish?  Nothing!

Who woulda thought?

I was the girl in high school that was always unprepared for gym class on the days we had to run the mile (with my partner Linds- HAHA).  I was the girl in high school that would have rather sat on my ass in front of the TV with a bag of doritos than take a walk outside.  I was the girl with a beer in one hand and a cigg in the other, standing in front of a bon-fire waiting for the next beer pong game to start.  I have changed my whole life and don't get me wrong I don't regret anything I do, did or will do. DISCLAIMER: I also don't look at anyone else differently that doesn't follow what I do.  I don't expect people to.  I know everyone is their own unique person and I admire everyone for being just that.  

I remember a few years ago when I first started getting into personal training (which BTW I just renewed my certification and have been pondering going back a few days a week to train at the BAC).  I would constantly buy Oxygen mag, Fitness Rx and just day dream about looking like those girls, wanting to model like they do.  People would constantly steer me away from competing or even thinking about it, telling me it's not maintainable that it's too much pressure, it's not realistic.  I believed them, I wasn't lean enough, I wasn't sexy enough, I wasn't good enough. .... I turned into a binge eater, compensating with over exercise, under eating, overeating, over exercise, a constant battle and a constant unhealthy cycle.  I am not sure what happened but one day I decided to do a competition...

I never let go of that dream and now I am living it out.  Looking at these pictures tonight from my first competition ever has made me so proud of where I have gotten.  I KNOW I need work, I KNOW I am not perfect, I KNOW I will probably never be free from binge eating, I KNOW I will always love food, but I also know I have a dream.  I now also KNOW that I have found something that if I become very passionate about that I can be good at.  I have always wondered in life what was I good at?  Some people were naturally good singers, dancers, etc and I never had anything.  There was never that ONE thing that I was "special" at and as cheesy as this may sound, I think I have finally found it.

I bitch and moan and complain about craving food, over eating, not being able to eat this, eating too much of that but honestly listen to this one.  Before I got home I was hangin with my bestie Nicole.  I was at Spot Coffee finishing a paper and the last thing I ate was at 3pm,  I have been up since 5 and all of my calories had been eaten by 3.  Fuck.  Tired + hungry Talia= crabby patty Talia.  We went to Wal mart because she needed an emergency mouse for her laptop and I went into the nut isle to find Mountain Trail Mix.  Anyone who knows what this is knows its the bomb and I was totally about to demolish some.  Luckily for me there was none.  I started texting for support, my trainer, my friends, fellow competitors and I was told to stick to the healthy stuff.  I knew I was going home to this CD and was probably deep down nervous as hell but I opted for a chicken salad with tomatoes and red wine vinegar mixed with my Grandma's home made Italian dressing.

Once I started looking at these pics, a light went on, energy started flowing to my body, I no longer wanted junk food, I was thrilled to look at the pics, excited knowing I am doing another show and even more happy with myself that life just allowed me to fuck that hole of wanting to eat like shit.  It was a sign from the lack of trail mix at Wal Mart and I will carry that with me for at least the next 2 days before I want to eat junk again. HAHH 

Long blog short: I have found my calling and I am determined to reach my goals! Can't wait! I have so much support I could cry!

Extra cardio? Am I insane?

Fitspo friend Heather! Get it girl! You look amazing!!!

So about 20 minutes ago I was trying to stealthily ask my trainer to allow me to do more cardio tomorrow and when he said no I actually was slightly disappointed.  Then... it occurred to me how much I despised cardio just 3 weeks ago when I was doing double sessions and wanted to not only stab someone in the eyeballs but frantically scream across the cardio floor how annoying and boring it was.  So thanks Ron, for not only not letting me make up for excess calories via excessive exercise but also saving me from hating the day tomorrow.

So now I guess I will have to explain my excessive calorie consumption. Well..you see..I first must make a disclaimer.  Pre-competition I  was on an extremely restrictive diet, my boyfriend dumped me 2 days before the show and for anyone who encountered me during that time period I will take the time right now to say..I'm sorry.  After the show restrictions are lifted and no, I won't lie I ate everything I wanted to over 7 days and gained 10 pounds on the scale.  10?!?! 10 pounds?! Yes. 10.  The week after I lost 7 and so I am hoping that the next weigh in will stay the same or go slightly below but not when I think consuming croutons and french fries before a meal will help.  Now granted, our corporate manager was on site, AGAIN and for fuck's sake do I ALWAYS have to be there when he is?  So eating really wasn't an option and I had already eaten what I had when I got there after my workout.  Mistake.  I should have eaten something at the halfway point.  Instead, I ordered food after my shift, a shit load of broccoli and a slab of chicken with some melted cheese and sauteed veggies.  My fat self couldn't control my munchies and since I made it a goal to not eat any nuts today (yes, it really has come down to this) I said, hell, eat some croutons and then some fries.  So I am not sure what my calorie intake is 100% (failed on that goal-I wanted to be 100% accurate today) but I do know that it is about 500 calories over which is I was about 500 calories over on Saturday I am already up 1000 and honestly this means nothing to me other than the fact that it makes me think in negative mindsets.

This is where the problem is.  I know, it takes me so much longer to get to the point in these blogs, but whatever, it helps to vent.  No one else will listen to this nonsense.  ANYFUCKINWAYS....I am TRYING to get that balance but to also get my macros where they need to be, I did it perfectly yesterday but today, not so much.  How come?  What was different today?  I made the move by taking the first bite.  I ate the crouton knowing I couldn't eat just one serving and then I started in the fries because I started to get the fuck it attitude.  Then though after eating my meal and wondering why mo co-worker didn't give me the rest of her quesadilla burger because I TOLD her if she wasn't going to finish it that I would that I said to myself "really fatty?" You just consumed a shit ton of useless calories and your stomach is already getting bloated and all you can think about is eating more?  Luckily, my manager was giving me a serious stare down at my plate of croutons so I busted out of there before I got asked to ring them in as a side order of something.

It's tough, well it was difficult when I had a ton of restrictions I wanted to prove that I could it it my own way and I didn't win.  Now I am trying to do it the right way but I still can't seem to get it right.  I want to do so much better at this next competition and have been giving it even more though about doing 2 back to back.  How will I get better if I don't keep practicing?  The more the better, right?  I just wish it would click with me and food.  I try to get away with not planning out my day when I don't have food and think I will be fine because I work at a restaurant but it is definitely harder to get away with at a family owned business than it is with big brother eyeballs watching you all the time.  I am better off bringing in my own food so I don't have to buy stuff and it's always when I do not have food that I struggle the most.

Moral of the story? Plan like my trainer and everyone else around me has been telling me to do this whole flippin time.  I also think I need to be more aware of when I am going to start running out of food so I don't have to get it all in one shot I can replace things here and there.

Thank you..that is all for now.

Easy bakin'

.  Today was my first cheat meal and I am not quite sure how I am feeling.  I ate a Stromboli at work.  Yeah that's right bitches!  WAIT...I need to do this in the order they happened so let's back up a little bit.  Ok lets back track to my very early morning and getting up at 6:30am so I could do my workout before my seminar at UB.  I stopped at Wal Mart first so I could finally get new headphones.  I have been without music since the last few days before my show because in a vicious attempt to burn more calories with bags under my clothes and sweats on they came out of my ears and I ran them over on the elliptical.  It was a pretty dramatic and tragic event,  I am assuming it was also amusing to watch from an outsider perspective.  As I walk in I see an Easy Bake oven, limited edition of course! $34.88 and I immediately thought of my SWCB Robin and was pissed when I realized I left my phone in the car.

I get to the gym and then realize I left my ipod in the car. fuck.  So I ran back to get it. Fuck. I brought it with me after all.  At this point I know getting to class on time just isn't going to happen and that didn't make me move any faster.  I wanted a good workout and I  had an awesome workout!

After class I went to the library to be a productive little human being.  After going back to get my headphones this time once I got settled and started listening to my recorded session that I care barely make out what I am saying.  How am I supposed to write like this?  So I drive all the way back home.  Pit stop at Delta Sonic, had to clean up Alana, she has been a dirty girl! Get home and hardly get anything accomplished because there is so much other shit going on around me that I can't concentrate.  Not only that but I realize my Pre-juding DVD has arrived so of course it's another distraction except this one ruined it all.  I started critiquing myself like a MOFO and so then I started to get depressed and started thinking about what I looked like then, what I looked like a week before that and how much better I looked and then my boyfriend had to start acting different and dump me and I ruined my bod because I had to deal with my emotions with food.  Now as I am typing this what did I just do when I was watching the DVD?  Was I hungry? yes, but was I leading with my emotions and feelings too? Yes.  I should have included some protein in my snack but I started mowing down rice cakes.  I got to work ate a bunch of the croutons I said weren't worth it yesterday but were today and made my stromboli.  It took me 1.5 hours to eat the damn thing.

Anyways the moral of this ridiculous blog today is that I am having a hard time settling in to this new "bulking" phase and when I start seeing the scale go up even more I know I am going to freak out.  I know know know know know I shouldn't be judging my worth based on a set of numbers BUT it IS a hard habit to break for those of you that know.  Soemtimes it's hard to express things sometimes because I know other readers who arent competitors or religious gym goers, or healthy eaters just don't understand what the big deal is.  The big deal is that I WANT to keep competing, I WANT to do better and make better decisions.  My cheat meal today was a huge piece of bread with sodium and protein and I honestly could and really would like to go from now until Thanksgiving without having another re-feed.  I think I will use RF instead of cheat, cheat makes it sound wrong. 

I have a bad habit of not seeing the positive things I accomplish but only the negative and what went wrong.  I AM learning though.  Learning from what others have taught me along the way as they pass through my life.  I am learning that I do not see competing as such a huge deal as others may.  I see myself on that stage as not a girl who gave it her all.  I see a girl who went through a lot during the competition and had so many set backs it caused her to almost place last.  These are the kinds of things that go through my head and I know they drag me down.  So was there a time when I was proud?  My pictures on my facebook when I was a week out I looked better than when I was on stage.  The pics my ex boyfriend took, I was proud of those.  Well Talia, what was different?  I was happy, I was following the plan, I was determined.  So what makes that time different from this?  I guess I was using my cheat meal as an excuse to slip in a few other things.  Whatever.  I didn't binge.  I didn't let myself fall into the whirl wind of negativity.

I am excessively tired.  Was supposed to shake my rump downtown tonight but I am not going to make it.  Honestly, my body is telling me to just go to bed.  Clocks turn back and my body will love me even more for getting a few extra Zzz's.  Attacking some cardio and that 5 page paper tomorrow!  May take my laptop to spot coffee and just chill on my own in a different environment.  Bombshell my body..maybe make out..who knows...I will make sure I look cute, just in-case.  I think this will call for an "Aria" outfit :)  I know exactly what to wear!

Breakfast brownie orgasmn

Who wouldn't want a chocolate protein brownie baked in the oven smothered with chocolate syrup at 9am?  Well I sure as hell do and it was so fucking delicious I felt like I was eating something bad!  I followed the directions this time, actually doubled the recipe because I am a big fatty now and BAM!  That shit was done in 20 minutes just like Robin said but sorry, hell to the no I didn't wait 5 minutes to let it cool.  I wanted to bury my face in that right AWAY! So she is my star fitspo for today!

I honestly just have no food right now and I am sure this contributed to my slight fall yesterday BUT it is a new day and I get ANOTHER chance to fuck it up.  HAHAH just kidding.  I get another chance to get it right and not let food take over my day.  I am headed to the gym to train a friend (if she wakes up, still haven't gotten a text, she seemed determined but ya'll know how it is when you actually have to get out of bed) and then my cardio time.  I will be slightly disappointing if she doesn't show up but sorry Cassie, not shocked.  It's just this bias I have about people who are just getting into a routine.  Either they have trouble starting the routine or they have trouble sticking to it! 

  I also bought Victoria's secret Bombshell and Tease perfume/bodywash/lotion and I am thrilled beyond belief to use that shit today and smell AMAZING!! Hello to being single!!!! Hi, how are you? I smell nice? Why thank you! Now tip me $10, leave me your number and meet me outside so we can make out!!!  BAHAHHAHA

PeAce out!  Gotta fly!  Keep it sexy just like my sexy west coast bestie!

Guilty

Hi Jessica! Number 2 on the top ten IFBB Pro Bikini girls.  I would have put number one up but she's blonde and I'm a brunette kinda girl.  I really just need to complain and rant about food.  Yes food.  I also need to bitch about some womanly problems but I mean really we are all old enough to understand the "cycle" right?  

Anyways yesterday I was at brick house and bought a $3 side of broccoli and a $3 side salad.  Now I am not sure why I paid more for broccoli than I did for lettuce with shredded cheese on it?  Doesn't cheese cost MORE than vegetables?  Just my $0.02 but I was super proud that I made that decision.  I was being pulled for at least an hour on what I should eat.  I had gotten the chance to be around the internet and knew that all I needed to was carbs and so it really shouldn't have been this big of an internal/mental battle.  Out of everything- the mental aspect of this is so hard and so when it's fought it's such a HUGE win especially for someone with a self diagnosed eating disorder.  I mean fuckin seriously, breakfast, lunch, dinner and 2 snacks and call it a day.  Should be simple? Why isn't it?

Another thing is I lost my BC long ago and I still haven't been able to start another month yet.  Um HELLO?!  How bad is it that I will be overjoyed with extreme excitement when mother nature decides to  finally visit me.  No, and the answer is no for those of you who have already thought "gee, maybe shes pregnant" not a chance, not a chance, def would have known by now anyways.

Take into account the back of the mind stress I have going on with this student loan and I have this constant anxiety over food.  Today my goal was to keep the focus off of food and I wasn't able to accomplish it.  Food and food thoughts have such a powerful force over me and no one can truly understand what this feels like unless they are in a deficit so seriously don't even try to be with me on this level because you will never "get it"  It's the annoying feeling of being hungry but knowing you can only eat a certain thing.  It's the annoying feeling of being hungry but knowing you can't eat for another 2 hours.  It's the ridiculous feeling of feeling hungry but can't figure out why because you just fucking ate!!

Today I had my internship from 1030-7 but we got out early.  I sent out texts to like 5 people saying how much life loves me for keeping me away from a trail mix binge fest because I was going to go get some inbetween clients.  Well in the end I ended up eating nuts anyways and now I have that feeling.  I can't even explain it because its deeper than I can express.  It's stuck, I feel guilty for not measuring/weighing the nuts and not knowing how much I really consumed for today.  I am also feeling scared about this "bulking" phase.  I don't know what that is going to look like or feel like.  I weigh in on Saturday and I am hoping to see a loss but in the next few months my trainer wants to see a muscle gain and so I am not sure how I will handle this either and maybe that, which has always been in the back of my head, is starting to surface and show itself in different ways.  I KNOW KNOW KNOW KNOW I shouldn't eat nuts or trail mix and I  think I have given it up 3 times already.  The only reason I started eating it again was because I needed the fats.

I feel very stressed right now writing this because I feel as if I have a lot to say and no words to put it into that What was different today than other days? If I follow my SFBT (Solution Focused Brief Therapy) on myself-good grief, how pathetic- I would ask myself what's different on the days when I do well, when I feel confident and follow the plan, hence Solution focused NOT problem focused.  On the days I do well and feel confident I had better food choices.  For example yesterday I was extremely bored but I didn't focus on food, and I had more filling meals.  Actually, that is a lie, I was bored and I got out of work early so I used my laptop and that distracted me from thinking about food.  When I am at my internship I am literally just sitting the whole time.  

I could be on here all night trying to get all of this out.  Basically, I am doing well and I know I am and this is NOTHING compared to other slip ups, this is just an-i-went-over-my-calories-today-kind of day.  I did not let it lead me to the negative thinking that it could have because I reached out.  I texted my trainer and told him that I feel guilty because I don't know how much I ate, that I know I overate and I guess it does start the negative thinkin process.  I can't help it though.  I so seriously want to do so much better at this next competition but then I think it's the fact that I get mad at myself because I keep making the same mistakes over and over again.  For example I know I shouldn't be doing anything with nuts but yet I still mess around with them.

I also think I need to-like emphasized in SF- is to focus on the positive things.  I have not binged, I have been eating healthy, I CAN accomplish this goal and get better at it.  I think as long as I stay focused on the goal and be honest not only with myself but with my trainer and allow him into my world a little more by texting and communicating more with him and all of my other supportive friends that I can PREVAIL!

Fit bitch nom

Hey it's me!  I really can't wait to get the professional photos from the guy that was there that day!  I wonder how long it will take.  For only charging $30 and I am assuming most people got them I guess I can wait a little loner.  Not too long though, this bitch is impatient!  So right now I am noming on some chicken and brussel sprouts, exciting hu?  Seriously I am so thrilled I could puke.  Earlier though, I attempted a healthy version of something that should have tasted like it wasn't good for you.  I had all of the ingredients and left one out as per the original creater of this thing told me that it would just be dry.  Well, not quite sure what the hell happened but it definitely didn't turn out like her picture.  Oh well, it was still good and hit the sweet tooth/chocolate spot.

Hm what else?  Really, I am only writing this because I am fucking bored out of my mind and I literally have done nothing since I got home.  I SHOULD have written up my plan for my internship with my first graders but you know what?  I might just wing it.  Maybe I should be going to bed considering I have to wake my ass up at like 430 in the fuckin morning to get to the gym by 6.  Or maybe I will just waste more of my life away on facebook.  Maybe they should start charging to use this that website maybe then I wouldn't even have a profile anymore..HA yeah right.

Eats were good today.  Staying on track, drinking water, the usual.  Workouts are awesome because they are short and cardio is far and few between!

Well really this post had no point.  I guess I should state about how well I have been doing the past few days.  It feels good.  I really want to do well at my next show.  I am determined to make better choices and get into the best shape I can WAY better than this past show.  I am happy I accomplished the goal of walking across that stage but I didn't accomplish walking across that stage knowing I gave 110%.  This time THAT 110% is the goal! How else will I get on the cover of Oxygen and Fitness Rx?!  :)

Yellow diamonds in the light

Just another amazing bikini pro body!

I had  a really great weekend!  I actually went out and danced my booty off downtown!  MUCH NEEDED! For real who doesn't want to get a good grind from a bunch of drunk dudes when you are sober?  HAH no but seriously it was fun and I do enjoy it!  All I have to say is the over the knee boots gets em every time!  They are my absolute hands down favorite!  It definitely felt like we were out all night, ended up going to bed at 2:30 and guess what time we got up?  645! Yes, 645 AM, got dressed and hit the gym!  ARE YOU FOR REAL? YES!  I was by no  means awake, Nicole is much more of a morning person than I am (sorry if I wasn't holding up my end of the convo when we were working out), I need a good solid 2-3 hours, lots of coffee and a good breakfast before I can really enjoy talking to humanity. 

I posted in the bikini competitors webpage on Facebook just asking opinions on what the judges are looking for and if it's always going to be different.  I think I got the answer I needed.  I need to do whatever I need to do to feel confident up on that stage and I can already see because of all the damage I did even in just 7 days that the scale has scared me straight.  I am definitely not going to reveal what the weight was because I know that it's water weight and blah blah blah but even just the way I feel about myself.  In 7 days I lost the confidence I had up on that stage all because of food.  It's really hard to explain with words because it's mostly feelings and I have learned that I need to stop making decisions based on these feelings alone.  If I would have done that today I would be sitting here telling you about a massive binge but instead I can proudly say that I made the decision to make the RIGHT decision and learn from what I did wrong in the past.

My passion for doing these competitions grow more and more everyday and while I was debating on pizza and ice cream or chicken and veggies new pictures appeared from the competition, I started looking at other girls that competed this past weekend and I decided that a healthy meal was in order!  I want to prove to MYSELF that I can do this and reach my dreams and take the falls that come along with it but ALWAYS get the fuck back up!!!!!!

Here we go again

I never in my right mind thought it would be so hard to get back on track and take the road I need to take to reach these huge goals I have for myself.  What goals?  More compeitions, more wins, pro, model and use my LCSW in the middle by counseling competitors!  Seriously, these are MY dreams and goals and I know it's not going to be easy to reach them, I know.  I wonder though what it's going to take for me to GET IT.  I honestly think it's going to be stepping on that scale in the morning.  It's my first official weigh in after the competition and I am dreading it.  Mainly because I know after the 4 days I had of binging when I said I was over it, that lasted about a day and I was back at it then it lasted another 1/2 day and here I am sitting here about to be even more honest in this blog than I was in my last.

I was at work today and I did GREAT all morning.  Had an awesome breakfast, tons of coffee, the sun was out and things were going to be great!  Killed my legs and I know I am going to fall out of my bed tomorrow morning bc I won't be able to bend them, squat, sit on the toilet or use stairs.  Post workout had a salad and then that time, inbetween 2-4 where I get super bored.  Something about this time absolutely kills me and I started eating some walnuts.  TALIA! where the fuck is your head?!! These are a trigger food!!! So I still have tables and I am waiting for them to cash out when one of the night servers comes in with a container of...what else but NUTS!!! fuck my life.  Seriously, I can't resist, my thought process is well you already ate the walnuts.  This thought lead me to start eating french fries, then I had some oreo crumbs then went over and got some pecans and cranberries.  I finally left and went to my second restaurant job.  Some croutons, some chocolate, 1/2 diet hot chocolate (haha at this point I am like wow, diet, really?) whipped cream and sprinkles and then I took home a homemade stomboli and a salad and then of course I had to have 2 scones and chocolate chip cookies.  Is your jaw dropping to the fucking ground yet? This is my world, this is my problem, it's embarassing, it's more than will power, it's a disease.  Just like being an alcoholic, go read some stuff on Overeaters Annonymous it's the same thing.  If you want to know me and if you are my friend you already know and if not either ask or you really will never get it or understand it.

Ew I am grossed out reading all of that.  So this blog is clearly going to be very different from the last.  No more hiding things, letting it all hang out, if I want to reach my goals I am going to have to do better than this and the first step is in addition to not eating peanut butter, almond butter or any other kind of nut butter I will also include nuts of all kinds shapes and forms.  No 100 calorie packs, no bulk foods, no trail mix, no nuts at work, school or home damn it! Get the damn nuts away from me!  It is a trigger!  I have no control over triggers, once they touch my lips it's over and then the feelings of negativity swarm in and it takes over me.  It makes me feel like I am a failure and that I will always be a failure and that I will never reach my goals.  Well I am sick of that voice always winning!  There HAVE been times when I was able to do well ...I have so much support, I need to stop making decisions with my feelings and start using the truth!!!

Halloweenie

I can finally wear my Batgirl Halloween costume this weekend with, of course, my over the knee boots!  Lucky for me I stopped stuffing my face-FINALLY, and I do not feel as fat as I did on Monday!  I really stretched the limits with the eating bad and then the last and final day which was Wednesday I let my emotions take me back into that bad habit.  it's horrible, and I know I need to stop doing that.  I need to use this time where my diet is not strict and gain a healthy relationship with food.  Yes I will still be doing things like weighing and measuring and tracking but those three things will more than likely never be things I don't do.  I have learned that I can not be accurate if I don't track and if I stop doing that now it's going to make life even harder when it gets close to the competition.  I have not 100% decided on which one I want to do, part of me wants to do 2 but my financial state of poorness says "are you fucking crazy?"

Anyways sorry I have to make this one short, I know how much ya'll enjoy my blogging but my ass need to get tothe gym to lift!  I am on a completely different workout schedule and it is the BOMB because although I am active everyday it's an on/off cycle.  So...my dear friends what that means is for example today I lift, no longer than 45 minutes and NO cardio.  Tomorrow I will do cardio for 1/2 hour.  Sunday I will lift with no cardio.  Monday I will do 30 minutes of cardio.  You get the picture and now you can see why my life is so amazing with the lack of cardio I have to do! 

Have a lovely day folks!

EMO little girl

This morning was pretty EMO for me.  First of all I found out last night they put a hold on my school account because I owe money that I don't have.  Go figure it's a hot mess now and I am still waiting on answers of what to do.  I took out more money, I couldn't get it all because I am only part time.  Seriously now, just because I am not taking 12 credits doesn't mean I don't need the damn money and maybe, just maybe if they would have done what they were supposed to  I wouldn't be in this huge ass mess.

I wake up at 730, the bike rack is all attached to me my car thanks to a friend of mine.  I don't even make coffee or eat breakfast, I don't even change m clothes.  I toss on my work crocs and head out to the city.  I am thinking strong but I am feeling weak.  I know I will crumble, especially when I see that dog.  I did, I cracked, I cried, but I didn't linger.  I took the bike down the 3 flights of steel stairs.  I felt much stronger since the last time I did that when I brought it there.  I left and I cried.  I knew I would but it still hurts, it's still fresh but I do need to realize that it's over.  There is no saving it, I don't want to try to save it, I guess I am just trying to understand it.  I feel as if I was left with a very small explanation and me being me, I need to know more.  I know if I try to inquire though it will only make me look as pathetic as the ex's that were trying to contact him when we were together.  As I sit here and realize he probably did the same thing to her.  

So I will stand up tall, be strong and focus on me..again...I will take this time to figure out my goals, where I want to be and what I want to do to make myself happy.  I fell for something I shouldn't have but I took a chance, I took a risk because at the time I left like if I didn't and the chance passed me by that I may have regretted it and I am not the kind of person who regrets things.  To me, they are mistakes and I learn from them.

I will take this life experience, along with my first competition experience and really focus on what I need to do to make myself better.  One thing for sure is I need to stop letting my emotions make my decisions for me.  I need to stop letting my emotions make me believe things that aren't true.  For example I need to stop making myself think that eating will cure my emotions.  That is my BIGGEST challenge and I am still alive and although I have cried many tears, I am still strong and I will PREVAIL! Today I have my internship from 12-7, I will put my focus into what I should be doing there and then after I go to the gym for 1/2 hour of cardio!?!  WHAT? Hell yea!! Only half hour! LOVE THIS!!!!

New blog for a new journey

The pictures will ALWAYS be on here!  I can't stop doing that!

First thing, it's definitely harder than I thought to just jump right back into being on track again with eating especially without being prepared with no food.  So in order to be successful like I have learned throughout this whole journey, I have to be prepared.  Prepared with meals and food for all day!

Second, water, water, water, water, water!  Then when I think I have had enough I need to drink more! Ugh...seriously?  YES!

Third- The uncounted, bulk nuts have GOT TO GO!  Nothing has to get that serious that I need to eat so many walnuts from work during a week period that they run out when they hardly sell the dessert they need them for! OOppps.. :) 

Fourth- that is all for now because I am seriously getting aggravated over having to get this bike tomorrow that's 40 minutes away.  Driving 40 minutes back home to drop it off and then 30 minutes back to my internship. FML

ashdhdkfdf good bye