Binge eating and other disordered thinking

That is my gorgeous girl Kayla!! Love you girl!!!!! This blog is dedicated to all of the people that struggle with any kind of disordered anything.  I mean let's get serious, as humans we struggle with many different types of mental issues.  I obtained my undergrad in Psychology, minor in Sociology and am working on getting my Master's in Social Work.  My biggest interest lies within the scope. of fitness and the struggles many of us go through with having no one to talk to but each other.  I never would have thought that Facebook would bring me closer to the types of people I have been looking to meet.  When I started my competition journey last year I started it because I needed a solid goal but my major concern was my binging.

 First of all, many people might not even know what binging means, well it's an eating disorder, called Binge Eating Disorder.  Briefly it is when I person consumes an excessive amount of food over a certain time period usually in a few hours, for me it would last all day more than once a week.  This individual doesn't puke it up but ends up with a seriously scarred mental wound after doing it for years.  Just like any other eating disorder when a person binges, when I binged, I knew I was doing it, sometimes I would even plan it, discretely, or around people that didn't know otherwise.  Sometimes it crept up by the little voice inside saying "just take a bite of this" then it would lead to an all out binge making it harder and harder to stop or talk myself out of it.  I turned this into an I because I want to share my experience with this as it makes it more truthful.  It's hard to explain fully, but it goes deeper than saying to me "just stop" "don't eat that" "should you be eating that?" if my mind was in binge mode, no one was stopping me.  It's hard to keep typing about it because I have struggled with this even before I started competing, since I always write, I just found some journals just to give you an example ::this is really deep stuff kids, ok not really but I have written deeper things I don't really want to share::

        "May 31st, 2009.....so for a very long time I have been counting calories, counting, restricting, depriving and binging and it is a continuous cycle that is not changing"

        "December 27th, 2009...Binge AGAIN! Damn how so I stop this?"

        "January 2, 2010...I went home with munchies.  I destroyed cheerios snack mix, cereal and cluster cereal.  I had a min binge attack but luckily we didn't have anything else worth gorging into

        "January 1st, 2011.....I wish I could stop labeling foods as good and bad...I don't want to feel like this fat slob I currently feel like..."

It is clear that this has been going on even before 2009 for me and this year something finally clicked and I have officially made it, not without a bloodshed, 4 weeks without binging.  Of course I haven't been perfect, I have had days where I over ate things and still felt that deep guilt that constantly talked me into just throwing up my hands, putting up the white flag and wallowing in all the unhealthiest foods I could get my hands on and if I couldn't I would literally go buy them.  The problem is what happens if I do slip bigger than just excessive calories? I used to cover that up with excess exercise and then I had a different problem.  I guess now I worry that I know I am not perfect, I know I will slip but after saying I haven't binged in 4 weeks how will I feel if I do?  Will I be so disappointed that I let it go on for days or will I stop it before it gets out of control?  How can I say I will binge again?  Wouldn't I want to continue the pattern of NOT binging, well you would thinkso but this is how my over analyzing begins...

Anyways, this is just a dip into my world and my done piece and after creating the group Fit Struggles I have confirmed where my heart is and what population I want to work with.  Eating disorders, exercise disorders, competitors and non competitors of the like.  Well as much as I would love to continue writing (1) this is long enough already and (2) I need to focus on this other current even so I don't fuck it up too bad

The Doctor is in

The above picture I found on my friend Kayla's blog!  Huge shout out to her, you are amazing girl!  It is Sunday, my only day off, off from work and training and I am doing a little bit of self reflecting.  First of all I would like to say that yesterday I put myself in a depressed state of mind over food, once again.  I usually have to work a double but I had seminar at school and so I was home earlier than normal.  I over indulged in peanut butter and took my mind into a downward spiral.  It was all too familiar and at first I knocked it out, keeping my spirits up, my positivity flowing but by the time I got out of work I was in serious trouble.  I had the binging mindset, I want to throw in the towel, I put my pajamas on and started using my internet addiction.  I went on my support pages, Team Fit, Apiring and Current Bikini and Fitness competitiors, looked at updates and then I started to seek out help.  I started chatting, friend requesting and just reaching out to others and it REALLY helped.  I ended up going out, had a blast and came home starving but knew I didn't want to go that route.  Thanks Megan!!!!  :)

I woke up feeling refreshed from being able to sleep 8 hours, not having to rush around and knowing I had the whole day off but as I laid there I still contemplated getting up and getting into that peanut butter.  Why Talia?  After doing that yesterday why in the world would you want to put yourself into the same exact position for 2 minutes of satisfaction with food?  Why are you gauging your happiness based on foods you can or can not consume?  Do you feel good after over indulging?  Are you going to be happy when you realized you consumed another half jar of peanut butter? After you eat the peanut butter are you going to be able to stop yourself from binging?  ALl of these questions swirled my head and eventually I answered them one by one; why? I am not sure, no, no, no, no, and no were the answers.  What do I really want?  To be better than I ever was and I know I am not going to get there with food.

I titled this the Doctor is in because I have and am sturggling with something that I KNOW for a fact a lot of individuals in this fitness world struggle with; food.  I am not sure who knows this but I am currently in school getting my Master's in Social Work which means after I will be a Master in something.  I chose this field because I can do more with it than specifying in a Psych field.  My ULTIMATE DREAM is to not only be a bikini pro but to be a counselor for those in the fitness profession, competing world, who deal with issues such as eating disorders, exercise disorders, body image and anything else you can think of.  I think because I have and am first hand experiencing this I had a better lead than a Doctor who knows nothing about the field.  I have wanted to "talk" to a professional on more than one occassion but does anyone realize what doing this would do?  It would end with the competing as the number one source for all of these problems when in reality it might be but I would not be going to discuss quitting, I would be going to discuss the issues associated with it and I would get no help or direction.  Why?  because most of these professionals are only trained to deal with the issue and not the other "stuff" and this is one of the many reasons why I want to get into this field.  I think it is a HUGE field but yet largely untouched.  In the WNY area alone there are NO eating disorder clinics, even discussing it with my Professor to figure out where I should intern next year to pursue my interests did he have any suggestions because there is nothing out here.  What does this suggest?  A few things (1) there isn't a need?  I do NOT buy into that, my father told me a story just as I was explaining this about his hairdressers daughter who entered in a support group with people ranging in age from extremely younger than her to extremely older than her, it didn't help (2) there are not enough people trained in this area (3) there are not enough funds.  Whatever the excuses or reasons are I will pursue these dreams as much as I have to and if it leads me to having to move then I will do it because this is what I WANT to do!!!

9 weeks!

I have to blog before I leave so I can let the emotion slip from my solid brain activity this early in the morning to words on a blog page.  Breakfast has been eaten, the peanut butter is now officially gone with the last of it on my rice cakes for today.  Honestly, the jar that I get should be lasting me 28 days, it definitely has not.  The reason I am panicking right now is because the show in Buffalo is 9 weeks away!!! Not only that but  the photo shoot I am doing is 8 weeks away this Sunday!!! WHAT AM I DOING?!?!

I need to step it up and I need to step it up right NOW! No more pussy footing!  I am gaining control over my binge eating, now it's time to gain control over EATING.

That is all for now, peace the fuck out

Fuck you food

I am blogging RIGHT fucking now, right this second because my emotions are over flowing with anger and anxiety and I need to get them out before I do any damage with food.  The whole day went perfectly.  Besides being really tired from this busy week (ok,ok, I know, 2 nights in a row not getting to bed until after 4am didn't help) but whatever, grab some Amp's and Mio and I am good :)  

So I got up early to prep my meals because I closed last night, and as soon as I put my pajamas on, washed my face, brushed my face, kissed my mom and dog, I got in my nice warm cozy bed!  So I sloppily, eyes half closed woke up 6 hours later thinking I could just go to the gym after my internship, NO!  I would not do that!  I am tired now, why would I wait?  So I went to the gym, I had a great workout and was glad I did go.  We ended up leaving our internship early because, well we live in Buffalo, the weather got bad (the lake never froze) and our last 2 appointments didn't show up.  I am already mad bc I know I have to go to the grocery store but already planned on going through the bulk isle to steal some nuts! What?  Don't judge me, I always take the ones I touch anyways.  I finally get there and the damn woman is stocking the nuts! FML, I got what I needed to get and did another swoop past and she is STILL there.  Wow, life, really?  I got frustrated, even though about going to the other store on my way home but I said, nah, I have PB and nuts at home.  So I came home and of COURSE I hit up the nuts and then go for the peanut butter.  As I am eating it I realize, is this what I want to be doing?  Do I WANT to sabotage this next weigh in for peanut butteR?  After consuming the nuts and the peanut butter both of which I have no idea how much, let's be honest here, when you use a spoon in the jar you will NEVER know how much you really ate and at that point did you really WANT to?

I made my stupid-i-dont-want-this-right-now-chicken-salad-minus-the-EVOO and headed to my room to facebook.  My friend Ginelle texted me and said she was craving sweets.  I told her I just ate more peanut butter than I should have and we both sent each other a few jdfhjsdf sdfjsdf texts and then I decided I needed to take a step forward and I told her WE can do this!  I will NOT open that jar of peanut butter and told her she will find nothing good in the cupboard!  I then continued to go onto a few of the groups I belong to on facebook, aspiring and current competitors and of course TEAM FIT!  I am so lucky to have all of this support around me and I will NOT be going back into that cupboard!

Day 19 no binging complete!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BAM! #Iknowimnotperfectbutimmakingprogress!

Shit gets crazy

You know what?  Why am I going so long without blogging?  I love writing and I am always on this internet but yet I make no time to type?  Weird.

Anyways, 3 fucking cheers for getting through my first two weeks of no binging!  I also was on my period one of those weeks and so I have already made TONS of exceptions to things I never imagined I would be able to.  I had progress pics taken this Sunday and the more I looked at them the more I thought to myself "whats really different?  So I posted them for other people to see and knowing there are visible changes makes me really proud.  I have been working so hard and I am so determined to reach my goals.  Why shouldn't I?  

Saturday my bestie and I went downtown, got dressed up, rocked the over the knees and had a blast.  After that we went to another bar where some of my friends from work were at, all the while I did not eat anything extra or eat anything when we got back to her place,  Sunday I hung out with friends from work, watched football and went to the bar and the whole time I had my food with me and ate when I needed.  The most annoying part of Sunday was when I went to the bar with them.  I no longer drink so I am already one out and so then they ordered 2 pizzas and they kept badgering me to just eat it, drilling me, etc.  I actually really started to get pissed and said "I'M NOT GOING TO FUCKING EAT IT SO STOP ASKING!"  Do people realize how dumb they sound?  I think it's funny as they shove their drunk faces with food and I am sober and don't do it!  BAM! #quitstuffingyourfatface

I have been getting better at swapping foods out and not eating more than I need to.  Monday, today, I knew I was going to have dinner with my parents so I switched some things around but didn't over eat.  

These past 2 weeks have been difficult and I have definitely been mad over food but I feel like I am slowly learning more and more about how to take control back.  I am also learning that I need to stop looking and comparing myself to other people and just put in the work I need to put in to get the best body my body can have!  In all honesty the pictures my friend took of me this weekend at the bar made me feel really good, I feel more confident, I am a chic, I like the comments, the attention and I feel like even with 2 weeks of eating healthy I have more self esteem than I usually do.  I am not trying to sound cocky but if we aren't confident with ourselves how will we ever reach our own dreams.  Considering my dream is to be a fitness/bikini model I NEED that confidence and now I know how to find it and keep it, eat healthy, exercise, rinse and repeat!

Weekend

So first of all, sometimes I write things that are true to life.  What can I say?  This is MY blog just like my facebook page is also free game to post, share, like, and status update as I please.  First of all it is 9:14pm on a Sunday night and I can OFFICIALLY say I have made it through the weekend without binging!  Have I had a slip up or two? Yes but did it lead to me feeling like a low life binger? No.  I stopped and though to myself, like today for example, what do I really want to do?  I can either stand here and eat more peanut butter than I should, then after that eat some chips, then eat some cookies and then take a trip to Tops to binge some more or I can stop, recognize I over ate on calories (even though I did cut out other stuff because of it) and take pride in knowing I created another EXCEPTION for myself.

This weekend was a bit crazy.  Ok, not really.  My weekends are far from crazy these days, I live the life of an aspiring bikini model.  I eat, workout, eat, work, eat, work, and go to bed, with maybe a few more times of eating.  Friday I went to bed so early my mom said "your going to bed already?"  Saturday I worked a double, talked to my trainer and we decided on him giving me the thumbs up or down at the end of January on whether or not he thinks I should do the show in March.  I am A-ok with that!  After I worked I went dancing with my bestie and then ended up running into my ex ex.  Now it wouldn't have been such a problem if he wasn't so concerned with making me jealous.  Way to ruin my night at 3am, good lord.  Sunday my friend and I were supposed to go hiking but my bitchy, hungry PMS ass said at 3:30 in the morning "honestly, I really don't feel like going, I want to sleep in on my day off"  So we did, went food shopping and I cooked up, cut up and weighed.

I do still feel this tingle of annoyance for swallowing so much peanut butter but instead I will move on with life and try to find some glitter to put on my nails :)