Illegal shit

Day 1 of no binging = successful =]  First and foremost I am proud to say I have accomplished this.  Today is the first day of lent and so no meat could be consumed.  I planned all of my meals out, I ended up eating a little too many nuts but it did not lead to a binge and so I am satisfied.

I did encounter a very difficult situation at work today though.  My manager came up to me and said that I could no longer bring in my lunch bag or my own food because it costed him 5 points on the health inspection.  My first words were "are you kidding me?"  at this point I KNEW I was going to become upset, what went through my head?  I was thinking about my competition, how difficult this already is for me, how much I struggle with my binge eating and now I have to eat in secret and sneak out to my car because I can't bring in my own food?  Seriously this shit HAS to be illegal just as much as making us come in 1/2 hour before we actually start work, clock in, and clock right back out for a "break" before our shift even starts?!  For real this place is fuckin shady and I think it's time it ends.  There is no way a place of employment can tell you NOT to bring in a lunch, EXCUSE ME?  but as far as I am concerned every place of employment should have a break room, and I do not think it is legal to tell employees they can't bring their own food regardless if it is a restaurant or not.  I am unsure on what to do, I never asked any questions because I felt the tears coming, and then they started to dip out and so I got on my phone and started texting people about it.  I got really upset because competing is a part of my life and eating things I prepare is another huge part of my life and taking that away from me is like giving me an injury that prevents me from working out!!!

FUCK. THAT.

Lent

By no means am I in church every sunday, saying prayers every night or asking someone to forgive all of the bad things I have done in life.  Religion is a touchy subject for me but I am none-the-less giving up something for lent.  Now this is supposed to be giving up something that you like; gum, chocolate, coffee etc.  and so you say what do you like so much that you are willing to give up for so long?  Binge eating..it's really a love/hate relationship.  I love food, always have, I am italian with a family that owns an italisn resturant, father bakes his own bread and is an excellent shit.  Crap, I have pics of me near and arounda pizza before I even had a clue.  My family was one to alwaus have extras on the table, mother always asking me if I wanted more and even after declining six times was still asked just once more before asking me if I was going to have room for dessert!  I see my Dad still coming home from work to this day and opening the cupboard in search of a snack, eating it and then going back.

I am not by any means trying to come up with excuses, but these are REASONS why food is always on my mind.  Fast forward to now and my schedule for the week is so jam packed with things to do; class, working two jobs, internship, training and trying to sleep and have a social life and my mind is ALL over the place.  My coping mechanism has been food for a long time.  I have journals upon journals of myself talking about my binge eating, I have been to OA meetings online and in person, I even STARTED competing because I wanted to help myself.  I have yet to figure out a solution to end the binge eating as so I have decided to take on the biggest challenge of my life and go from February 22nd-April 14th without binging.  Now since we are learning how to set goals in internventions, I will write it out:

Talia will not binge eat as evidenced by wwww.livestrong.com daily plate calorie tracking from Wednesday February 21st,2012-April 14th, 2012.  A total of 51.5 days.  To avoid setting myself up for failure, I will define binge eating for myself and other objectives so that if all objectives are met, I will be successful which I KNOW I can be!

Objective 1- Binge eating is described as more than just over eating; I know I can not be perfect so to say that I will not binge AND not over eat is setting myseld up for failure, so binging is eating a food that will trigger me to continue on eating more and more foods and end up consuming over thousands of calories.

Objective 2- Have a plan for the days worth of eating as set forth by Ron

Objective 3- Be prepared for each day

Objective 4- Use positive self-talk

Objective 5- Blog feelings along the way

Objective 6- USE MY RESOURCES, friends, family and all others involved in my life to help me be successful!

Objective 7- Take life slow, minute by minute, meal by meal

Objective 8-Imagine success and be successful!

Back by popular demand

Hello all! I started writing this and then I just did 6 other things before I came back to it, and this is one of the reasons why I have a hard time blogging these days, I get so distracted...BY FACEBOOK!

Anywhose...I started off today at friggin 530am, ok so my alarm went off at 530 and I could only snooze until 540.  Got up, made my breakfast fit for a bikini competitor, made some coffee and chilled, just me, my coffee, my breakfast my books of faces.  I got to my supervision on time and actually a little early which NEVER happens.  I am seriously horrible with time, I am not sure why.  I sat there for half hour before I realized, she had to have forgotten she was going to meet me at this location today.  Whatever, no worries, the only major concern of mine was that I was up and out of bed already and that I could have slept just A LITTLE while longer.  It was around this time or maybe even before that I realized my 100 calorie packs of almonds were still at home =[ I also had no chicken and no cooked sweet potatoes.  major fail Talia, WAY.TO.GO.  No, no, no, I knew I wouldn't have my chicken and I planned on going a little longer in between meals and as soon as I realized I left my nuts at home [hahahaha] I told myself that I would NOT allow myself to substitute for the walnuts at work bc we ALL know they are a HUGE trigger for me and I am not able to stop myself from eating more than 1 serving bc there is a whole container of delicious nuts!! nom nom nom.  Went to my internship, I really do love those damn kids!  Then work and I can long story short say that I was SUCCESSFUL!

I didn't eat the nuts!

I didn't pick on anything!

I didn't binge!

I didn't allow myself to fall into any traps!

After work I went tanning- which I think I may have burned my face off, I mean literally one minute passed of being in there and I knew  I would be dying at 15, then I went to the gym and walked for 30 minutes .  I know, I know, I live in Buffalo, it's February, what gives?  Photo shoot March 10th, first one EVER and I want to look sexy as hell to make all the guys out there that decided they didn't need me or want me in their life to regret that decision!  =] ROASTED  MUHAHA   HA

On my way home I realized, shit I don't have eggs and fuck I do not want to go to Tops, now that I think of it, I was more or less being lazy and didn't want to drive the extra way and take the extra time but also as I sit here, I may have been tempted by more nuts!!!  Jesus, nuts ruin my life, but they are soooo damn good! HAHA  Anyways, I stopped at the gas station and got the eggs and came home and cooked up some chicken.

All in all a very successful day, one for the books for sure!

Get on the good foot!

24 hours ago I was sitting here in my room whining and being upset with myself for making bad decisions.  Decisions I knew I was going to make, knew they were bad but I made them anyways.  Today I decided to let that all go and put it behind me and even though it's harder than the actual binging because the day after always seems to be harder to get back on track, I did it.  When I think about it, gee, Talia thinking? No way!  For Fucks sake if there was one day I could go without overanalyzing everything I may actually get ahead in this rat race, but no, instead my big brain and mouth ALWASYS get me in trouble, whatever I can't help but ask questions and get to know things, I always need to know because it kills me when I don't.  Anyways, I forgot what I was even going to write because I just overanalyzed overanalyzing.

Either way it's hard to talk about the binge eating issue with other people who can't relate.  I get scared to meet someone and then have to reveal all of me to them and maybe this is why I do not want a committed relationship right now, or do I?  I say I don't but then I fall fast, so maybe I shouldn't start to begin with.  I know right now I am doing me, I am doing what I want to do to make myself happy and reach my dreams.  Competition dieting is NOT easy.  For the next 66 days I will devote myself to sticking to the plan given to me by my trainer, to trust the process, trust the plan and trust the person that gave it to me.  I know he wants me to succeed and reach my dreams and I know everyone else that supports me wants to see me achieve them as well.  I know that if it was easy we would all have perfect trophy winning photo shoot ready bodies but that's just not the case.  Everyone that enters this sport has a determination and a drive like no other but it's not just the people that compete but the people I have come across that just want to make their lives better and healthier.  Each one of us will struggle with our own battles, but ultimately it is up to us to win the battle, no one else can fight them for us, they can only give us the right weapons to use, we just have to choose the right ones at the right times and sometimes it doesn't happen like that. 

If you want something bad enough you will figure out what needs to be done to get it and I am figuring that out right now.  I know I can workout hard, go to the gym everyday if I had to, do double sessions if I had to but I also know that's not healthy, it's unrealistic to keep that up and it's just plain dumb for your body.  I also know I could under eat to make up for over eating but again, DUMB.  Right now my biggest struggle is with eating, picking, snacking, substituting, being stubborn, wanting to do it my way and from this past competition I think I have come a LONG way since that and I hope my trainer sees it too it's just these slips that seem to happen as we get closer and closer that derail me into thinking I am a failure and can't do it.  I know that is not true though and I know if I give it 110% from now until the day of that show I can do good things, great things, wonderful things!!!!!!! I am so thankful for all of those people who have not given up on me!  You are the ones that help keep my faith!!! <3

The Struggle

As I sit here in the Lockwood library, with a ton of things on my mind that I should be doing, instead I am trying to pick up the pieces of myself that I have left all over the floor.  As I try to piece them back together, I am still missing some, no idea where they are.  After having a conversation with my trainer, it left me empty, with no thoughts, no excuses, no reasons and no explanations as to why I decided to eat the chocolate today after work.  Why did I drive to the store to even get it and then why did I continue to even eat it knowing I have goals that put me in nothing but attire that just barely cover myself.


He asked if I texted anyone, called anyone, anything? No.  I didn't.  Why didn't I?  I have no idea, why didn't I?  As I sit here and think about how much support I have I know every single person that I could have  texted would have gotten me out of the desire to eat off my plan, but maybe subconsciously I didn't want anyone to, I wanted to just do it, but then feel guilty about it after, complain, cry, pout, get upset?  Where is the pay off in any of that?  There is none.  So what IS my deal?  I am not sure, for once I am lost, I don't know what to think or where to go with my contradicting behavior.  I want to compete but I binge, I want to do a photo shoot so I indulge in chocolate, I want to win but I don't reach out before I do something I know is a mistake.  I started writing this in hopes I would come up with some really great answers but the more I type the less I can come up with and all I can think about is the binge eating disorder.  To obtain professional help is useless for they would steer me way from my goal of competing, they would tell me that competing is feeding into this when in reality I am better than I was now that I am competing compared to when I was not.


The two things that stand out to be the most right now are (1) the thought and  (2) the correction.  By the thought I mean I literally had the thought in my mind to go get chocolate and eat it but no where in my plan was to text anyone.  I didn't want anyone to know and maybe I really didn't want anyone to steer me away bc I knew no matter what they said the thought was already there and I was going to do it anyways.  Afterward comes the thoughts of correction, what can I do to fix this so I don't have to tell my trainer, what can I do to fix this so I can still see that scale move down Saturday morning.  Extra cardio sessions immediately pop up into my head, not eating the rest of my meals for the day is another idea.  Both extremely unhealthy and both feeding into the binging because then in my head its like knowing that even if I do it again I will have a way to fix it.  In reality while talking with my trainer did it really hit me deeper than this.  I do have a VERY large support system that would have gotten me away from the thoughts and isn't that what I long for?  Do I not long for being free of binge eating, free of feeling like I need to be perfect, free to look myself and say, wow,, I did this!  Why would I let myself destroy so many goals I set out for myself?  I feel like I am the number one reason why I take two steps forward and 4 steps back.
I need to saddle up and move on, move forward, move in the direction I set out to go in, not sit here and wallow in my self-doubt, my self-pity, my negative self talk, these negative thoughts are what lead me to believe that I can't do this and that I should just give up, but I know I can and I wont give up.  My biggest step right now will be to commit to texting, calling, screaming at, facebooking, or anything else when I want to veer off my path because soemtimes we don't want to hear the truth, sometimes we hate other people who tells us what we SHOULD hear and not what we want to hear but I have those people around me that will tell me what I NEED to hear and I am so thankful to have such trusting, caring and loving people in my life....

Sitchiations

So as I sit here, still dressed up in my internship clothes because I am seriously contemplating going out tonignht, I figured I need to start blogging more!  I am on the internet more than I sleep sometimes and although I really should make the better decision and get more sleep I guess I will wait to see if I get a text, I mean no I am not pathetically waiting for anything or anyone. #sitchiationnumberone

So my last blog I believe was all about my binge eating disorder and how I wondered what would happen when I got to the point where I did it, was close to doing it or in the middle of it, well let me play this story out for you.  From January 1st-January 29th I made a shit load of progress, didn't binge and was super proud but for whatever reason, Monday, during a lunch shift I decided to take the plunge into the crushed walnuts.  #sitchiationnumbertwo.  BAD IDEA TALIA!  I was unprepared with food because my meal plan just changed, and although nuts were apart of my next meal that one handful turned into many more, a dip into the crushed oreos and then a trip to wegmans for trail mix and poptarts.  I drove to school, ate one pop tart and started eating the trail mix and started crying, WHAT AM I DOING?  It was here I realized this is not who I want to be anymore.  

Fast forward to today bc I don't want to live in that past anymore and I am better.  I know I will never be perfect and I want to say that I will never binge again but maybe that was an unrealistic goal at this point in my life.  I have a lot of goals, a lot of commitments, and a lot of things that spread myself thin that sometimes I feel like I have nothing else to give #sitchiationnumberthree  Working two jobs, interning 16 hours a week, class on Monday nights, training for a competition and trying to have a social life is a lot already, add in trying to change my eating habits that I have been trying to change for years makes life very frustrating.  I am always so thankful for the supportive people in my life!!!!

What else?  Well I ordered another bikini bc the one I have isn't very flattering on me, I know in 11 weeks that will change drastically, bc I know I will be working my ass off but the one I ordered, the top fits amazing and the bottoms make me look like I haven't trained a day in my life.  I am seriously starting to think of getting a Victoria's Secret bikini, still tossing the idea around so I guess this could be #sitchiaationnumberfour.  Anyways, I need to get going so I can go buy some eggs!