Fit bitch nom

Hey it's me!  I really can't wait to get the professional photos from the guy that was there that day!  I wonder how long it will take.  For only charging $30 and I am assuming most people got them I guess I can wait a little loner.  Not too long though, this bitch is impatient!  So right now I am noming on some chicken and brussel sprouts, exciting hu?  Seriously I am so thrilled I could puke.  Earlier though, I attempted a healthy version of something that should have tasted like it wasn't good for you.  I had all of the ingredients and left one out as per the original creater of this thing told me that it would just be dry.  Well, not quite sure what the hell happened but it definitely didn't turn out like her picture.  Oh well, it was still good and hit the sweet tooth/chocolate spot.

Hm what else?  Really, I am only writing this because I am fucking bored out of my mind and I literally have done nothing since I got home.  I SHOULD have written up my plan for my internship with my first graders but you know what?  I might just wing it.  Maybe I should be going to bed considering I have to wake my ass up at like 430 in the fuckin morning to get to the gym by 6.  Or maybe I will just waste more of my life away on facebook.  Maybe they should start charging to use this that website maybe then I wouldn't even have a profile anymore..HA yeah right.

Eats were good today.  Staying on track, drinking water, the usual.  Workouts are awesome because they are short and cardio is far and few between!

Well really this post had no point.  I guess I should state about how well I have been doing the past few days.  It feels good.  I really want to do well at my next show.  I am determined to make better choices and get into the best shape I can WAY better than this past show.  I am happy I accomplished the goal of walking across that stage but I didn't accomplish walking across that stage knowing I gave 110%.  This time THAT 110% is the goal! How else will I get on the cover of Oxygen and Fitness Rx?!  :)

Yellow diamonds in the light

Just another amazing bikini pro body!

I had  a really great weekend!  I actually went out and danced my booty off downtown!  MUCH NEEDED! For real who doesn't want to get a good grind from a bunch of drunk dudes when you are sober?  HAH no but seriously it was fun and I do enjoy it!  All I have to say is the over the knee boots gets em every time!  They are my absolute hands down favorite!  It definitely felt like we were out all night, ended up going to bed at 2:30 and guess what time we got up?  645! Yes, 645 AM, got dressed and hit the gym!  ARE YOU FOR REAL? YES!  I was by no  means awake, Nicole is much more of a morning person than I am (sorry if I wasn't holding up my end of the convo when we were working out), I need a good solid 2-3 hours, lots of coffee and a good breakfast before I can really enjoy talking to humanity. 

I posted in the bikini competitors webpage on Facebook just asking opinions on what the judges are looking for and if it's always going to be different.  I think I got the answer I needed.  I need to do whatever I need to do to feel confident up on that stage and I can already see because of all the damage I did even in just 7 days that the scale has scared me straight.  I am definitely not going to reveal what the weight was because I know that it's water weight and blah blah blah but even just the way I feel about myself.  In 7 days I lost the confidence I had up on that stage all because of food.  It's really hard to explain with words because it's mostly feelings and I have learned that I need to stop making decisions based on these feelings alone.  If I would have done that today I would be sitting here telling you about a massive binge but instead I can proudly say that I made the decision to make the RIGHT decision and learn from what I did wrong in the past.

My passion for doing these competitions grow more and more everyday and while I was debating on pizza and ice cream or chicken and veggies new pictures appeared from the competition, I started looking at other girls that competed this past weekend and I decided that a healthy meal was in order!  I want to prove to MYSELF that I can do this and reach my dreams and take the falls that come along with it but ALWAYS get the fuck back up!!!!!!

Here we go again

I never in my right mind thought it would be so hard to get back on track and take the road I need to take to reach these huge goals I have for myself.  What goals?  More compeitions, more wins, pro, model and use my LCSW in the middle by counseling competitors!  Seriously, these are MY dreams and goals and I know it's not going to be easy to reach them, I know.  I wonder though what it's going to take for me to GET IT.  I honestly think it's going to be stepping on that scale in the morning.  It's my first official weigh in after the competition and I am dreading it.  Mainly because I know after the 4 days I had of binging when I said I was over it, that lasted about a day and I was back at it then it lasted another 1/2 day and here I am sitting here about to be even more honest in this blog than I was in my last.

I was at work today and I did GREAT all morning.  Had an awesome breakfast, tons of coffee, the sun was out and things were going to be great!  Killed my legs and I know I am going to fall out of my bed tomorrow morning bc I won't be able to bend them, squat, sit on the toilet or use stairs.  Post workout had a salad and then that time, inbetween 2-4 where I get super bored.  Something about this time absolutely kills me and I started eating some walnuts.  TALIA! where the fuck is your head?!! These are a trigger food!!! So I still have tables and I am waiting for them to cash out when one of the night servers comes in with a container of...what else but NUTS!!! fuck my life.  Seriously, I can't resist, my thought process is well you already ate the walnuts.  This thought lead me to start eating french fries, then I had some oreo crumbs then went over and got some pecans and cranberries.  I finally left and went to my second restaurant job.  Some croutons, some chocolate, 1/2 diet hot chocolate (haha at this point I am like wow, diet, really?) whipped cream and sprinkles and then I took home a homemade stomboli and a salad and then of course I had to have 2 scones and chocolate chip cookies.  Is your jaw dropping to the fucking ground yet? This is my world, this is my problem, it's embarassing, it's more than will power, it's a disease.  Just like being an alcoholic, go read some stuff on Overeaters Annonymous it's the same thing.  If you want to know me and if you are my friend you already know and if not either ask or you really will never get it or understand it.

Ew I am grossed out reading all of that.  So this blog is clearly going to be very different from the last.  No more hiding things, letting it all hang out, if I want to reach my goals I am going to have to do better than this and the first step is in addition to not eating peanut butter, almond butter or any other kind of nut butter I will also include nuts of all kinds shapes and forms.  No 100 calorie packs, no bulk foods, no trail mix, no nuts at work, school or home damn it! Get the damn nuts away from me!  It is a trigger!  I have no control over triggers, once they touch my lips it's over and then the feelings of negativity swarm in and it takes over me.  It makes me feel like I am a failure and that I will always be a failure and that I will never reach my goals.  Well I am sick of that voice always winning!  There HAVE been times when I was able to do well ...I have so much support, I need to stop making decisions with my feelings and start using the truth!!!

Halloweenie

I can finally wear my Batgirl Halloween costume this weekend with, of course, my over the knee boots!  Lucky for me I stopped stuffing my face-FINALLY, and I do not feel as fat as I did on Monday!  I really stretched the limits with the eating bad and then the last and final day which was Wednesday I let my emotions take me back into that bad habit.  it's horrible, and I know I need to stop doing that.  I need to use this time where my diet is not strict and gain a healthy relationship with food.  Yes I will still be doing things like weighing and measuring and tracking but those three things will more than likely never be things I don't do.  I have learned that I can not be accurate if I don't track and if I stop doing that now it's going to make life even harder when it gets close to the competition.  I have not 100% decided on which one I want to do, part of me wants to do 2 but my financial state of poorness says "are you fucking crazy?"

Anyways sorry I have to make this one short, I know how much ya'll enjoy my blogging but my ass need to get tothe gym to lift!  I am on a completely different workout schedule and it is the BOMB because although I am active everyday it's an on/off cycle.  So...my dear friends what that means is for example today I lift, no longer than 45 minutes and NO cardio.  Tomorrow I will do cardio for 1/2 hour.  Sunday I will lift with no cardio.  Monday I will do 30 minutes of cardio.  You get the picture and now you can see why my life is so amazing with the lack of cardio I have to do! 

Have a lovely day folks!

EMO little girl

This morning was pretty EMO for me.  First of all I found out last night they put a hold on my school account because I owe money that I don't have.  Go figure it's a hot mess now and I am still waiting on answers of what to do.  I took out more money, I couldn't get it all because I am only part time.  Seriously now, just because I am not taking 12 credits doesn't mean I don't need the damn money and maybe, just maybe if they would have done what they were supposed to  I wouldn't be in this huge ass mess.

I wake up at 730, the bike rack is all attached to me my car thanks to a friend of mine.  I don't even make coffee or eat breakfast, I don't even change m clothes.  I toss on my work crocs and head out to the city.  I am thinking strong but I am feeling weak.  I know I will crumble, especially when I see that dog.  I did, I cracked, I cried, but I didn't linger.  I took the bike down the 3 flights of steel stairs.  I felt much stronger since the last time I did that when I brought it there.  I left and I cried.  I knew I would but it still hurts, it's still fresh but I do need to realize that it's over.  There is no saving it, I don't want to try to save it, I guess I am just trying to understand it.  I feel as if I was left with a very small explanation and me being me, I need to know more.  I know if I try to inquire though it will only make me look as pathetic as the ex's that were trying to contact him when we were together.  As I sit here and realize he probably did the same thing to her.  

So I will stand up tall, be strong and focus on me..again...I will take this time to figure out my goals, where I want to be and what I want to do to make myself happy.  I fell for something I shouldn't have but I took a chance, I took a risk because at the time I left like if I didn't and the chance passed me by that I may have regretted it and I am not the kind of person who regrets things.  To me, they are mistakes and I learn from them.

I will take this life experience, along with my first competition experience and really focus on what I need to do to make myself better.  One thing for sure is I need to stop letting my emotions make my decisions for me.  I need to stop letting my emotions make me believe things that aren't true.  For example I need to stop making myself think that eating will cure my emotions.  That is my BIGGEST challenge and I am still alive and although I have cried many tears, I am still strong and I will PREVAIL! Today I have my internship from 12-7, I will put my focus into what I should be doing there and then after I go to the gym for 1/2 hour of cardio!?!  WHAT? Hell yea!! Only half hour! LOVE THIS!!!!

New blog for a new journey

The pictures will ALWAYS be on here!  I can't stop doing that!

First thing, it's definitely harder than I thought to just jump right back into being on track again with eating especially without being prepared with no food.  So in order to be successful like I have learned throughout this whole journey, I have to be prepared.  Prepared with meals and food for all day!

Second, water, water, water, water, water!  Then when I think I have had enough I need to drink more! Ugh...seriously?  YES!

Third- The uncounted, bulk nuts have GOT TO GO!  Nothing has to get that serious that I need to eat so many walnuts from work during a week period that they run out when they hardly sell the dessert they need them for! OOppps.. :) 

Fourth- that is all for now because I am seriously getting aggravated over having to get this bike tomorrow that's 40 minutes away.  Driving 40 minutes back home to drop it off and then 30 minutes back to my internship. FML

ashdhdkfdf good bye