Concepts

So my trainer has asked me to write an article on binging and I obviously said yes, who is more of an expert than I am?  Honestly though, I don't even know where to start.  As I was talking to my fit sister Ami last night, there is so much to it, so many emotions that are involved, so much going on inside our heads that it's hard to explain to someone especially when we really don't understand it ourselves.  It's a very difficult struggle to have and I would NEVER wish it upon anyone, letting food rule your life sounds so pathetic but it's a reality for many of us and many more who refuse to admit it.


I will more than likely have to put all of my ideas and thoughts down on paper about it, how it starts, the feelings, the guilt, mid binge, pre binge, post binge, and ways to cope that have worked or more often in my case, have not.  Those of us that compete or even fitness models, although it doesn't seem like it from the amount of support we have found via Facebook, are a very small percentage of the world among us.  I think that for most of us it's about recognizing our desire to be different, unique, to push ourselves but also to realize our OWN inner struggles and deal with ourselves emotionally just as much as we deal with ourselves ohysically in the gym.  If we devoted as much time as we did into our training, food prep, cardio, etc as we did into mindfulness exercises, relaxation and self care could we reduce the amount of stress we placed on ourselves?  Should all of these things be apart of this journey? Yes.  Do we have the time to incorporate them? No.  So how then can this be possible?  What can we do to help ourselves mentally through this process besides talking it out with other people?  I know for me that only gets me so far because in the end, talk is cheap, it's our behaviors that are expensive!


Just something to think about, the balance between spending time doing all of these physical things and comparing it to what you do mentally to help yourself get through the inner struggles. 

It all started with a key

Good lord look at that ASS!!  I just can't help but blog right now, I should be going to bed but there are just some things I need to get off of my mind today.  I want to go back to yesterday because I had an amazing experience with my field educator and supervision.  We haven't been able to meet because of schedules but this one had of been the best one yet.  I feel comfortable talking to her, she is a remarkable woman with a lot on her plate, much like me.  I know I have been told in the past that I may have too much on and sometimes I take the time to recognize it and remove some things but somehow whether I could handle it or not I would challenge myself again and pile it on.  I am relatively sure I will never stop being like this but one thing she did make me realize was that I need to recognize what I want, what I need, what will make me happy and that I should have full confidence in knowing that I have the potential for really great things.  I self-disclosed about my recent decision not to compete, she is well aware of my healthy eating/exercise habits and talking it out with her made me realize how much better I felt just from stopping the extreme behaviors I was engaging in.  I understand that it was for a prep but I was not Talia, as much as I was enjoying my workouts they were torture, as much as I enjoyed eating I was tired.  

We talked about my passion for fitness, how my goal is to help people who struggle with eating disorders, exercise disorders and the like but she also made me open up my mind to other possibilities as well.  I know I can be successful in this are of expertise because not only do I know so much but I am experiencing it.  I sort of think of it as an ex-addict that has decided to become a counselor, I feel like the connection can be made on such a different level.  Working with the children in the Sloan School District this year has also sparked my interest in this population.  It is a challenge everyday with these children but just seeing slight changes in them is very rewarding.  What I got most out of this was her ability to portray what she saw me as and it was nothing like I saw myself.  She gave me a lot of positive attributes in regards to my profession and she made me recognize that I need not focus myself to one thing especially this health and fitness stuff that I can and SHOULD expand on it.  I can think of so many ways that I can make a place for myself in this industry and I plan on doing just THAT!

Today was our field liason visit which also went very well.  The day was perfectly fine, I got to sleep in, I was excited to hit the gym later and do some food prepping.  It wasn't until after my 10 minute warm up that for one of the very first times it was the gym that actually irritated the fuck out of me.  How?  Simply by human beings.  They were all using the BB racks, one was free and some dumb ass chic stole it so I got fuckin pissed bc I had to use the smith machine.  I got super ticked off at all the people walking around with their dumb cards and every single noise from the machines was driving me INSANE.  I don't know what it was but the smalling of the stacks, the squeeks, the murmors.  I actually couldn't wait to be done, get out and vow to never go at night if I could prevent it!  I am a morning lifter/exerciser, I can't do it at night and that clearly and rudely showed me why.

I say rudely because that bad attitude carried over into the conversation of my significant other which it does more often than it should.  I must be vulnerable right now and say I am not used to this relationship stuff, like this serious stuff, I have been so used to doing so many things on my own with no interruptions that I am still trying to adjust to this addition to my life.  By no means I am saying he is inconvenient because so far he has been THE MOST understanding, caring, patient, honest and open boyfriend I have ever had.  I have never in my life wanted something to work so bad, taken time out to try and sort things out and although it's hard for me to understand I have to make certain sacrifices I WANT to do that because I know he is worth it.  How do I know?  I know because he is willing to talk to me instead of walking away, because instead of making things worse he tries to find ways to make me laugh, because instead of getting angry and saying mean things he stays as calm as he can and explains things the best he can.  I just feel so incredibly lucky to have someone who actually wants to put up with my shit.  I mean I am a true P.I.T.A a real piece of work, a hot tamale! So thank you Andrew for being there for me! =]  Let me know when you see this...are you still reading?? =]

I think I am going to..no I KNOW I have already and will continue to make huge strides in my journey.  I have my first photo shoot on Sunday and I plan on killin it!  I plan on rockin my outfits, throwing in my Talia sass and making this shoot as fun as I can!  If I want to make it, I'm not going to fake it, I want to be real, I want to be unique and I want to make my dreams come true!!

Peanut butter jelly time!

The above has been selected and bought as one of my photo shoot outfits.  I walked past Spencer's and saw a big sign for these bikini's 25% off and a light bulb immediately turned on in my head!  I invisioned this as being a FANTASTIC idea with my over the knee boots.  I then wandered over to Deb with the intention of buying hot pink heels exactly like the ones pictures above but when I couldn't squeeze my foot into a 7.5 and the girls that worked there told me that was their last pair I had another vision ::pictured above::

Yesterday my day started off with 11 hours of sleep, I felt refreshed, and lean, FINALLY.  It's amazing what clean/healthy eating can do!  I had to visit the local grovery store to purchase some green peppers, bulk almonds [way cheaper than buying the 100 calorie portions-I can do this! I c an buy them without eating them] and some Tupperware for the almonds.  I realized that if I portion them out as soon as I can I am WAY LESS likely to eat them because then I get mad there isn't enough.  As I was walking out of the store, sun is shining, birds are chirping, no jacket necessary on that Buffalo spring day I thought to myself "this is the way I want to feel all the time"  I felt healthy, and not worried about anything, when I thought back to when I was stuffing my face three days ago, I didn't like that girl, that self conscious, unconfident person.  That is not me, I even said to myself out loud "if you were 20 pounds heavier, would you be happy?"  The answer was HELL NO.  Being fit and healthy and working out will ALWAYS be a passion of mine, how could it not?  My dream is to become a fitness model people!  So on my merry way I went to my internswhip interview.  As I was driving there I thought to myself, wow,I was totally supposed to print paper work, I started to have a mini panic attack but then Mimi came into my head and said BREATHE! Honestly, all of these fit groups and this support from my facebook friends and my new boyfriend, Andrew <3, I have never felt so happy with where I am and I have never been so positive in my life.  You know what too?  It works, the more positive you are the better your life WILL go, being negative only brings on more negativity, so I told myself to remain calm and that I would figure something out.  I called my dad whom works at the school I was inbterviewing at and he told me to go to his office.  Keep in mind I have NEVER been on this campus, and after I parked and walked to the building I had no clue where I was.  I went in the wrong door, tried going up to the third floor via stairs and once I got there the door had a sign that said closed for reconstruction; FUCK. I scurried back to the main floor, stopped and asked this kid whom was sitting at a computer if he could print something, no printer, FUCK.  Time is ticking and I have no friggin clue what to do, I go down to the basement and the first lady I see at her desk I ask if I can print something bc I am from another school, I have an interview and I need paperwork.  She let me do it and in the end I didn't even need the damn paperwork.  Sunny side up though?  After all of this I was still 2 minutes early, hopefully impressed her enough to make an impression and I find out next week.  When I left it was time to eat and so this was me in the parking lot of the University...

Yup, in my trunk, weighing some green peppers, you know, no big deal #motivated

After that I FINALLY got to hit the weights and it felt soooooo good!!!!!! My home, is my gym =]

Today is going to be a long ass day.  I am getting supervised by my field educator at 730, immediately to my internship after until 315, then work right after that until midnight!  It's all good though, I can handle this!  I will handle this!!! Feelin good!

Refreshed

My first thoughts are to comment on how REMARKABLE this ass is.  I mean come on, do you think this girl ate a shit load of cereal, ice cream and pizza to get this ass? Probably not.  Do you think she partied every weekend sippin alcohol while doing bicep curls? Nope.  This people is a combination of hard work, determination, clean eating, persistence, strength, motivation and a nice smart pants brain.  Don't get me wrong, if I had one wish, one wish that could be granted and stick with me for the rest of my little life I would wish to eat whatever I wanted and still look like a fitness model 24/7.  Isn't that EVERY girls dream? Maybe not but it's mine and this is my blog so I don't care =]

I am sitting here, it's 12:30, already ate breakfast, and I have nothing to do until about 230 when I have to leave for my interview for my next internship.  This is one of the serious joys of being a college student, being able to sleep for 10 hours and then facebook stalking and writing blogs all day.  Honestly, since I have decided to post pone competing I have gained myself back, ok, ok I stuffed my face with as much food as I possibly could and although I hate how I feel after it's always great while doing it until you realize that this is not the person you want to be.  I have been a binge eater (for those of you that know me, follow my blogs and converse with me on the regular) for a long time and it has been really tough to break these habits.  My trainer had me take a week of from lifting, doing cardio or stepping food into the gym.  This was EXTREMELY tough for me but honestly, I needed it.  After months of strenuous exercise, and dieting I realized today that all of that more than likely contrivbuted to why I was binging in the first place, too much exercise, not enough food.  I mean DUH!  It makes perfect sense and I guess I always subconsciously knew that but didn't care.  I wanted to compete, I wanted to bring my best forward when in actuality that is not how Talia should be doing it.

I have been able to sleep in, give my muscles a rest, eat the things I have been craving for months, and open up my mind to my thoughts and feelings.  Being in the MSW program at UB has taught me a lot and a speaker we had yesterday reminded me how important it is to FEEL your feelings and understand WHY we have them and their purpose.  I tend to try and ignore them or change them and in the long run it hurt me more than ever.  I am more than happy with the decison that I made, I needed to reflect, to get my mind right, and my body right and I honestly feel that I will make more gains during this time than I would if I was in "prep" mode.

My goals are to kill my first photo shoot this Sunday, give it my all in my workouts, comply 100% to my trainer (yes, I have a contract, yes I printed like 1237894 copies and they are everywhere-signed and dated for today).  I will learn how to understand and react to my emotions and not eat them, hide them or try to change them.  I will work through them and make better coping choices instead of reaching for food.  I will stay bikini ready as it is almost bikini season here in Buffalo!  I will put my best food forward and get on the good foot! Ok cya cat bitches!

Choices

I would like to take a fresh moment to look at this amazing body above.  In all honesty, this COULD be me, she seems to have the same body type as I, and as I get leaner my midsection looks similiar to her.  This makes me happy!

So the month of March was a bit of a struggle for myself.  I debated back and forth on whether or not I was ready for this show in April.  I kept telling people that maybe I shouldn't do it, that I wasn't going to feel confident, that maybe I should post pone and with my best interests in mind they would tell me to keep pushing forward, drink water and drive on, and never give up.  I am not saying I gave up but what I am saying is that I finally decided to un-cloud my brain with everyone else's suggestions and go with my heart and my gut. My gut was telling me to pick another show.  It was one of the hardest decisions I EVER had to make.  It felt like I was quitting, it felt like I was going through a panic attack at work while I was on the phone with my trainer balling my eyes out.  My dream is to be a winning competitor and bikini model and I felt like turning away from this show would be turning away from my dreams.  I realize now that this isn't true.  Although this was the toughest decision I ever had to make I know it was the smartest.  

What wasn't the smartest thing was the foods I choose to eat after I made that concrete decision, let;s just say dressing up to go downtown led me to throwing on some jeans, over the knee boots and a Sabres jersey (which by the way got more attention than some of the chics that were half naked).  What can I say, I come from a city where we love our sports teams regardless of how we know they will never win any major titles.  ANYWAYS...I got a big slap in the face of what it feels like to be a glutton.  I do not like this Talia.  This is not the Talia I want to carry around, she sucks.  So I am going to make her better damn it and I am going to come out of this even better!

I need to get myself mentally and physically ready.  I need to learn the importance of eating healthy and choosing healthy foods and the reasons why.  Things I already know but never really think about...

HAPPY APRIL FIRST! Love the fact that it's a new month!!

Anxiety anyone?

25 days until my second competition and I am starting to feel the anxiety and the pressures of life an all of the things I need to do.  I am not sure if my heart is racing because of this coffee, honestly, it.....

Never finished that entry..now it's 24 days out and those anxieties are still here...I am not sure if I could ever explain what it's like to have a "binge eater" mindset.  Honestly, as nasty as it sounds, you will never have a clue what it's like unless you actually live it and those who have or are know exactly what I mean.  For those of you whom are TRYING so hard to understand it, please know how difficult it is to describe something that even the person going through it doesn't know how to describe.

In talking with someone, shout out to SARAH, I have realized that my sub conscious feelings are failure and then the feelings of failure ultimately lead me to some sort of failure, like eating something I shouldn't be (ok this is what the majority of my failures consist of).  Competing is NOT easy and I know know know that, I never said it would be cake, my first show I thought I could come up with my own rules, find the loop holes, jumping through them gleefully and happy only to realize I fell flat on my face most of the time.  The second time around I have done much better but still seem to have all the same feelings. 

My main issues are the many roles I take on; I am an employee x's 2, I am a student, I am an intern, I am a girlfriend, I am a competitor, I am a sister, I am a daughter, I have class every monday night, I intern 16 hours a week, I work 2 jobs, I train twice a day, I food prep, cook, weigh and bag, I have homework, papers and research and yeah, I need to sleep too.  I am feeling extremely overwhelmed and unable to change anything other than my job situation.  I have been working at restaurants since I was able to legally work.  Being born into the family business I was always surrounded by food, good food, we were never deprived, seconds were always available, food portions/control was never learned.  Right now I am in the process of recognizing that working as a server in two places is doing me more damage than good.  I am constantly being surrounded by temptations and temptations that to a binge eater could be lethal just like a drop of alcohol could be lethal for a recovering addict.  Maybe I need to be hypnotized, maybe I need to starve myself, maybe I need to go on a liquid diet or maybe I just need to get out of my comfort zone and made a change!  

I think we all know and are familiar with what it's like to be in a comfort zone.  It sucks having that feeling of being out of it, being out of your element, of what you have known for so long but sometimes it's for the better and taking that chance could be worth it!  Hell I took a chance on loving again and so far I have realized it was the best decision I have made in a long time.  I will not give up, I will not give in, I will not throw the white flag at my goals!  I CAN do this!!!

Motha-fuckin-early

I have about 15 minutes to write the most amazing blog ever, probably not likely but ok fine, I have 15 minutes to blog, bitch, complain, rant, rave and say whatever else I need to say before I really get my day statrted.  Yesterday began with a 3 pound loss on the scale and I nearly had a block party before noon.  It was a gorgeous day out and so I did girlie girl things for once.  You know, like get my eye brows threaded, went tanning and bought some allergy medicine because apparantly I have obtained allergies?? wtf.  I honestly thought I was sick, AGAIN and I couldn't even believe it.  Glad to know it's just allergies but then again it really sucks, I always remember feelings sorry for those people.

Any which way..yesterday was also a big day for many people competing such as Kerry, Robin, Lindsey and Shelly.  HUGE HUGE HUGE shout out to you girls!  You are an inspiration!  I am motivated by you girls everyday!!

The end of the night didn't turn out too well.  I ended up staying home because I had this ridiculous paper to write that, yes, of course I procrastinated on and well, one things leads to another, I responded to something I shouldn't have via text message and it got me into a really big hole that I wasn't able to fuck.  I disappointed myself and now I am here at 630am discussing it in my head, trying to figure out how to fix it but yet I'm still in the damn ditch!  Is anyone going to find me?

Crap..I gotta get ready..time's up...

How bad?

Let me take you into the world of Talia for a moment.  First of all I am happy to say I am dating a guy named Andrew, and so far I truly believe he is the best guy for me.  He supports me from 2.5 hours away (he would say 2- REBEL), he pushes me to be better, stronger and never give up. <3 =]

 Yesterday was an incredibly LONG day, like so long I thought I was going to crash right in the middle of my internship while we were wrapping damn baskets for a raffle!  I got up at 5, cooked breakfast, made coffee, got my meals together, then hit the gym for an hour of sweet dripping stair climbing cardio intervals.  I took over 200 floors and about 5 miles of stepping. #Holyfuckballs.  Went to my internship from 830-330 and I must say since I missed last week I felt so missed from all of the hugs I got when my kids saw me, they make me smile!  After that it was get to work by 430 and work until 1130! Thanks to my fit sister Ami, she tore me away from wanted to bury my head in sliced almonds and shrimp.  I ate a little extra last night but I reached out for help because I knew I needed to! Got home a little after midnight and geez, you know you really do live in the country when you get out of your car to go in your house at that time of night and it smells like cow shits! Get in my house say hello to my Handsome Prince River, get all my stuff, put it away [this is the part the blows about living so far from everything, I have to spend at least 20 minutes packing my shit for the day], get my laptop out and of course get lost on facebook for at least another half hour.  When did this shit become such an addiction!?!?

Finally decide to get to bed around 1245, alarm is set for 545, finally get myself out of bed at 615 and here I am.  I could have slept in, my internship doesn't start until 10 but it also doesn't end until 730 and I DO NOT want to be going to the gym after sitting there for hours upon hours.  I know myself and I KNOW I will be too tired to get in a decent workout.  So why am I writing this blog with 15 minutes to get dressed, get my shit together and get out the door?  I wanted to write this because I feel so proud of myself for asking myself what do I want more?  When I was in bed and my alarm went off at 545, although I snoozed 6 times and I wanted to continue sleeping, I got up because I have dreams and goals to achieve.  I know this shit won't happen if I don't put in the work.  I am such a different person than I was during my last competition, I had a lot of excuses, I wanted to do things MY way.  I am almost 4 weeks out from my show and I want to put in the most effort I ever had.  I am not saying I will be perfect but I am going to do the best I can do and put the best in it that I can!!

Rise and shine it's lifting and cardio time bitches!!!

Sqqquuuueeee

LOOK! LOOK! IT'S ME!! Honestly, I must tell ya'll this little story and if you read this Andrew, just know that you really inspire me to think more about what feelings I am engaging in and WHY.  So I sent this pic to someone, hesitated to do so because well, sometimes we want to make sure we are making the right decisions and for myself, I have made PLENTY of wrong decisions that felt like the right ones in the beginning and then ended up not being right AT ALL.  After sending it I then posted it on Facebook, also AFTER contemplating whether or not I should.  So what gives?  What's with all the contemplating?  Well, I am someone that really could give two fucks what anyone thinks of me, what I am doing and what my goals are but what I DO NOT want to come across as is someone who is trying to seem better than anyone else.  The decision to post this pick was related to the CONSTANT hard work I put in day in and day out to reach the goals I set out for myself.  I am NOT a perfect person, I never will be nor do I strive to be but entering in the competition world was the BEST thing I have ever done for myself and I have finally found out who I am by doing so. I thank my trainer Ron for always being the one to set my mind straight!

 It also severely helps to have so many people in my life that understand me.  My two Jessica's, you girls both show me so much support, and I look up to both of you in SO many ways! I get to see my sister Ami in May!  We understand each other sooo much it's crazy!! Can't wait to slumber party!! Chelsea and I will definitely meet at some point in our lives because we were also destined too.  Whitney is a DAILY motivator for me.  Kayla and Mimi you both rock my socks for always making sure I am doing ok and it's good to know that we have some real solid common ground.  Sarah for also knowing exactly where I am coming from and pushing me as much as I can push her! My sexy west coast bestie Robin inspires me on the regular with her killer body.  Derek who pushes me randomly when in reality are the times I coincidentally need it the most.  All of my hole fuckers too!!  I could keep  going and going!  All the people in Team Fit, all the girls in the Asipiring/Current competitors, Team Aspire, Fit Struggles, you are all amazing to me.  Ginelle who I have met and grown to know recently who has been through so much, juggles so much, is stronger mentally than she thinks she is and the ability for her to keep going no matter what comes her way has been a blessing to me this year.  I am so thankful I have gotten to know her and that we were able to do our internship together, a friendship that I KNOW will last a lifetime!!  My bestie Nicole, who no matter what will tell me like it is and not what I want to hear, the girl who goes through life with me, by my side and has my back.  Andrew,  Andrew, you give me so much strength,you have no idea what you do to me.  It's the best feeling in the world to know that someone can care about you in a way no one ever has before.  To be able to feel that...feeling..that I have never felt before......

I just know that this process is NOT an easy one.  It is not for everyone either and I do not expect people to jump on my train and join me eating chicken out of a bag or cold sweet potatoes from my car.  I work hard for what I am doing, I make mistakes along the way but I am doing this for ME to reach MY goals and in no way shape or form am I trying to do anything else but yes, show off all of this hard work and dedication.  I want to be an inspiration, I want to be Fitspo, I want to be a winner, I want to be a pro one day, I want to be on the cover of Oxygen one day or FitnessRX, hell anywhere in a magazing fequently and I know I won't get there unless I bust my ass!!!!

Thanks again everyone!! I could sit on here all day and make more shout outs but I need to get up at 6 and get a kick ass workout in before this crazy weekend gets goin!! =] SUPER STOKED!

Mad shout outs

When it's almost midnight and you have to get up earlier than 7am why not write a blog?  Hello!! it's the cool thing to do, just saying!

Today was quite successful I must say and for the record I have been binge free for 9 days in a row which has included 1 weekend!  It's fantastic not only when you can set a goal for yourself but when you set the goal and instead of taking it in big pieces, breaking it off into smaller more tangible chunks.  I am a homeosapien that often takes life too far in advance.  Like for example, instead of taking today as just Tuesday and doing the things I needed to do, I am thinking about the weekend and what I need to plan for the individual that is coming to visit me.  In the words of Robin, my SWCB...SSSSQQQUUUUUUEEEE I am so excited even if it means beating him at the game of Life all weekend long=]  Anyways, yeah, so I tend to rush life, rush the day, and often find myself trying to peep into the doors of the future when in reality I was not meant to know anything at all about it.

The day started after sleeping for almost 12 hours.  Hell yeah bitches, I got to sleep from about 1230 until 1030!  If I didn't wake up knowing I had to pee and go back to bed and then wake up almost pissing my pants I would have gotten to sleep longer #knowstopeethefirsttimebutneverdoes

So I get up, eat breakfast, whore it up on facebook and then hit the gym.  I planned on walking \for 40 minutes (bc after having hours of phone conversation I completely forgot about it) then lifting, then doing cardio and if I had time to walk it out.  Please keep in mind before you continue that I LIVE at this gym, everyone knows me, and the employees probably see more more often than my parents and I live with them. So Andy comes up to me and asks what I am working on today, I said legs, he asked if I wanted a workout so I said SURE! I like to be pushed every now and then, I wasn't sure what style he had or what he was going to have me do, all I knew was that it more than likely would involve a lot of reps and cause me to have some severe DOMS the next day so i took on the challenge.  Part of the workout involved a 500 meter row as fast as I could, did it in about 2 minutes 10 second and so another trainer, Kyle, that was working out of course, because he is a guy and that's what guys do had to see if he could beat my time, yeah, he did, by 20 seconds. DAMN IT.  So then I start to wobble back on the eliptical for some cardio and ANOTHER trainer Jeff asks me if I want to do TABATA.  He has been asking me and asking me to do it and to be quite honest I was scared, I don't do much circuit training, I do cardio a lot but I just fear I wouldn't be able to live up to my fitness standard =]  I did it anyways and it was an awesome workout and I hope I gave myself points.  There were about 6 other people that did it with us and it was definitely something I would do again and wish I was able to come in later in the day when they do it.

After that I volunteered at UB south campus for alcohol awareness and it always amazing me how much general alcohol safety knowledge college students lack, legal BAC levels, the difference between 12 ounces of beer and 1.5 ounces of liquor, and what affects alcohol leaving the body.  No, it is actually not safe to leave your best friend passed out on the floor...

Then my friend Kristen made me some delicious dinner!  Baked Salmon and asparagus.  It was nice to end the night with some much needed conversation and girlie advice giving!  I appreciate everyone in my life, and the ones that take the time to get to know me, the deeper me, are patient with me and willing to accept me, my dreams and everything that makes Talia, Talia.  I must say though I missed Ami tonight, my fit sister, where have you been all day!??!!

Meow

Last night I gathered my meals together, packaged them up.  I even made my eggs and packaged them to eat at a different time, was going to eat my oatmeal in the morning because I knew I wouldn't be around a microwave, set my alarm and went to bed excited to start posing in the morning.  Well I woke up, I knew it was not 530am, looked at the clock, 845. FUCK. Immediately went to my phone, saw some missed calls and missed texts.  SO FUCKING ANNOYED.  I was really excited to start this and now I have to face my emotions of being irriated, annoyed and pissed off.  So I will get those out on the iron I will be lifting at the gym.  Stupid fuckin life mistakes I HATE YOU!!!

Yesterday marked 6 weeks until my competition.  My weigh in also had me dissappointed and frustrated because I slipped up the week before.  So have you noticed I have been actually naming feelings? well, I was told about a book called "The Food and Feelings workbook" so I bought it and have been working through it and it is really amazing.  A friend, also mailed me a book called "Mind Gym" and that is also another amazing book, THANK YOU KAYLA!!!  I have been really trying to focus on noticing, recognizing and processing my feelings instead of ignoring them, walking away from them, or trying to change them into something they are not and then not or even trying to stuff them away with food.  

This shit isn't easy, not everyone has what it takes to stick to an exercise and healthy eating plan for very long and even less people have what it takes to compete and I totally know why.  You either get through it and want to continue or you decide it's not for you.  Either way, that's ok but I know for ME, I WANT this.  I want to become a bikini competitor that wins, I want to be the girl on FitnessRX or even Oxygen and I know I will NOT get there unless I put in the work!  

Today my goals are to have an amazing workout, finish my paper for school and enjoy some relaxation time with a friend later tonight SQUATCHIN!!!!!

Illegal shit

Day 1 of no binging = successful =]  First and foremost I am proud to say I have accomplished this.  Today is the first day of lent and so no meat could be consumed.  I planned all of my meals out, I ended up eating a little too many nuts but it did not lead to a binge and so I am satisfied.

I did encounter a very difficult situation at work today though.  My manager came up to me and said that I could no longer bring in my lunch bag or my own food because it costed him 5 points on the health inspection.  My first words were "are you kidding me?"  at this point I KNEW I was going to become upset, what went through my head?  I was thinking about my competition, how difficult this already is for me, how much I struggle with my binge eating and now I have to eat in secret and sneak out to my car because I can't bring in my own food?  Seriously this shit HAS to be illegal just as much as making us come in 1/2 hour before we actually start work, clock in, and clock right back out for a "break" before our shift even starts?!  For real this place is fuckin shady and I think it's time it ends.  There is no way a place of employment can tell you NOT to bring in a lunch, EXCUSE ME?  but as far as I am concerned every place of employment should have a break room, and I do not think it is legal to tell employees they can't bring their own food regardless if it is a restaurant or not.  I am unsure on what to do, I never asked any questions because I felt the tears coming, and then they started to dip out and so I got on my phone and started texting people about it.  I got really upset because competing is a part of my life and eating things I prepare is another huge part of my life and taking that away from me is like giving me an injury that prevents me from working out!!!

FUCK. THAT.

Lent

By no means am I in church every sunday, saying prayers every night or asking someone to forgive all of the bad things I have done in life.  Religion is a touchy subject for me but I am none-the-less giving up something for lent.  Now this is supposed to be giving up something that you like; gum, chocolate, coffee etc.  and so you say what do you like so much that you are willing to give up for so long?  Binge eating..it's really a love/hate relationship.  I love food, always have, I am italian with a family that owns an italisn resturant, father bakes his own bread and is an excellent shit.  Crap, I have pics of me near and arounda pizza before I even had a clue.  My family was one to alwaus have extras on the table, mother always asking me if I wanted more and even after declining six times was still asked just once more before asking me if I was going to have room for dessert!  I see my Dad still coming home from work to this day and opening the cupboard in search of a snack, eating it and then going back.

I am not by any means trying to come up with excuses, but these are REASONS why food is always on my mind.  Fast forward to now and my schedule for the week is so jam packed with things to do; class, working two jobs, internship, training and trying to sleep and have a social life and my mind is ALL over the place.  My coping mechanism has been food for a long time.  I have journals upon journals of myself talking about my binge eating, I have been to OA meetings online and in person, I even STARTED competing because I wanted to help myself.  I have yet to figure out a solution to end the binge eating as so I have decided to take on the biggest challenge of my life and go from February 22nd-April 14th without binging.  Now since we are learning how to set goals in internventions, I will write it out:

Talia will not binge eat as evidenced by wwww.livestrong.com daily plate calorie tracking from Wednesday February 21st,2012-April 14th, 2012.  A total of 51.5 days.  To avoid setting myself up for failure, I will define binge eating for myself and other objectives so that if all objectives are met, I will be successful which I KNOW I can be!

Objective 1- Binge eating is described as more than just over eating; I know I can not be perfect so to say that I will not binge AND not over eat is setting myseld up for failure, so binging is eating a food that will trigger me to continue on eating more and more foods and end up consuming over thousands of calories.

Objective 2- Have a plan for the days worth of eating as set forth by Ron

Objective 3- Be prepared for each day

Objective 4- Use positive self-talk

Objective 5- Blog feelings along the way

Objective 6- USE MY RESOURCES, friends, family and all others involved in my life to help me be successful!

Objective 7- Take life slow, minute by minute, meal by meal

Objective 8-Imagine success and be successful!

Back by popular demand

Hello all! I started writing this and then I just did 6 other things before I came back to it, and this is one of the reasons why I have a hard time blogging these days, I get so distracted...BY FACEBOOK!

Anywhose...I started off today at friggin 530am, ok so my alarm went off at 530 and I could only snooze until 540.  Got up, made my breakfast fit for a bikini competitor, made some coffee and chilled, just me, my coffee, my breakfast my books of faces.  I got to my supervision on time and actually a little early which NEVER happens.  I am seriously horrible with time, I am not sure why.  I sat there for half hour before I realized, she had to have forgotten she was going to meet me at this location today.  Whatever, no worries, the only major concern of mine was that I was up and out of bed already and that I could have slept just A LITTLE while longer.  It was around this time or maybe even before that I realized my 100 calorie packs of almonds were still at home =[ I also had no chicken and no cooked sweet potatoes.  major fail Talia, WAY.TO.GO.  No, no, no, I knew I wouldn't have my chicken and I planned on going a little longer in between meals and as soon as I realized I left my nuts at home [hahahaha] I told myself that I would NOT allow myself to substitute for the walnuts at work bc we ALL know they are a HUGE trigger for me and I am not able to stop myself from eating more than 1 serving bc there is a whole container of delicious nuts!! nom nom nom.  Went to my internship, I really do love those damn kids!  Then work and I can long story short say that I was SUCCESSFUL!

I didn't eat the nuts!

I didn't pick on anything!

I didn't binge!

I didn't allow myself to fall into any traps!

After work I went tanning- which I think I may have burned my face off, I mean literally one minute passed of being in there and I knew  I would be dying at 15, then I went to the gym and walked for 30 minutes .  I know, I know, I live in Buffalo, it's February, what gives?  Photo shoot March 10th, first one EVER and I want to look sexy as hell to make all the guys out there that decided they didn't need me or want me in their life to regret that decision!  =] ROASTED  MUHAHA   HA

On my way home I realized, shit I don't have eggs and fuck I do not want to go to Tops, now that I think of it, I was more or less being lazy and didn't want to drive the extra way and take the extra time but also as I sit here, I may have been tempted by more nuts!!!  Jesus, nuts ruin my life, but they are soooo damn good! HAHA  Anyways, I stopped at the gas station and got the eggs and came home and cooked up some chicken.

All in all a very successful day, one for the books for sure!

Get on the good foot!

24 hours ago I was sitting here in my room whining and being upset with myself for making bad decisions.  Decisions I knew I was going to make, knew they were bad but I made them anyways.  Today I decided to let that all go and put it behind me and even though it's harder than the actual binging because the day after always seems to be harder to get back on track, I did it.  When I think about it, gee, Talia thinking? No way!  For Fucks sake if there was one day I could go without overanalyzing everything I may actually get ahead in this rat race, but no, instead my big brain and mouth ALWASYS get me in trouble, whatever I can't help but ask questions and get to know things, I always need to know because it kills me when I don't.  Anyways, I forgot what I was even going to write because I just overanalyzed overanalyzing.

Either way it's hard to talk about the binge eating issue with other people who can't relate.  I get scared to meet someone and then have to reveal all of me to them and maybe this is why I do not want a committed relationship right now, or do I?  I say I don't but then I fall fast, so maybe I shouldn't start to begin with.  I know right now I am doing me, I am doing what I want to do to make myself happy and reach my dreams.  Competition dieting is NOT easy.  For the next 66 days I will devote myself to sticking to the plan given to me by my trainer, to trust the process, trust the plan and trust the person that gave it to me.  I know he wants me to succeed and reach my dreams and I know everyone else that supports me wants to see me achieve them as well.  I know that if it was easy we would all have perfect trophy winning photo shoot ready bodies but that's just not the case.  Everyone that enters this sport has a determination and a drive like no other but it's not just the people that compete but the people I have come across that just want to make their lives better and healthier.  Each one of us will struggle with our own battles, but ultimately it is up to us to win the battle, no one else can fight them for us, they can only give us the right weapons to use, we just have to choose the right ones at the right times and sometimes it doesn't happen like that. 

If you want something bad enough you will figure out what needs to be done to get it and I am figuring that out right now.  I know I can workout hard, go to the gym everyday if I had to, do double sessions if I had to but I also know that's not healthy, it's unrealistic to keep that up and it's just plain dumb for your body.  I also know I could under eat to make up for over eating but again, DUMB.  Right now my biggest struggle is with eating, picking, snacking, substituting, being stubborn, wanting to do it my way and from this past competition I think I have come a LONG way since that and I hope my trainer sees it too it's just these slips that seem to happen as we get closer and closer that derail me into thinking I am a failure and can't do it.  I know that is not true though and I know if I give it 110% from now until the day of that show I can do good things, great things, wonderful things!!!!!!! I am so thankful for all of those people who have not given up on me!  You are the ones that help keep my faith!!! <3

The Struggle

As I sit here in the Lockwood library, with a ton of things on my mind that I should be doing, instead I am trying to pick up the pieces of myself that I have left all over the floor.  As I try to piece them back together, I am still missing some, no idea where they are.  After having a conversation with my trainer, it left me empty, with no thoughts, no excuses, no reasons and no explanations as to why I decided to eat the chocolate today after work.  Why did I drive to the store to even get it and then why did I continue to even eat it knowing I have goals that put me in nothing but attire that just barely cover myself.


He asked if I texted anyone, called anyone, anything? No.  I didn't.  Why didn't I?  I have no idea, why didn't I?  As I sit here and think about how much support I have I know every single person that I could have  texted would have gotten me out of the desire to eat off my plan, but maybe subconsciously I didn't want anyone to, I wanted to just do it, but then feel guilty about it after, complain, cry, pout, get upset?  Where is the pay off in any of that?  There is none.  So what IS my deal?  I am not sure, for once I am lost, I don't know what to think or where to go with my contradicting behavior.  I want to compete but I binge, I want to do a photo shoot so I indulge in chocolate, I want to win but I don't reach out before I do something I know is a mistake.  I started writing this in hopes I would come up with some really great answers but the more I type the less I can come up with and all I can think about is the binge eating disorder.  To obtain professional help is useless for they would steer me way from my goal of competing, they would tell me that competing is feeding into this when in reality I am better than I was now that I am competing compared to when I was not.


The two things that stand out to be the most right now are (1) the thought and  (2) the correction.  By the thought I mean I literally had the thought in my mind to go get chocolate and eat it but no where in my plan was to text anyone.  I didn't want anyone to know and maybe I really didn't want anyone to steer me away bc I knew no matter what they said the thought was already there and I was going to do it anyways.  Afterward comes the thoughts of correction, what can I do to fix this so I don't have to tell my trainer, what can I do to fix this so I can still see that scale move down Saturday morning.  Extra cardio sessions immediately pop up into my head, not eating the rest of my meals for the day is another idea.  Both extremely unhealthy and both feeding into the binging because then in my head its like knowing that even if I do it again I will have a way to fix it.  In reality while talking with my trainer did it really hit me deeper than this.  I do have a VERY large support system that would have gotten me away from the thoughts and isn't that what I long for?  Do I not long for being free of binge eating, free of feeling like I need to be perfect, free to look myself and say, wow,, I did this!  Why would I let myself destroy so many goals I set out for myself?  I feel like I am the number one reason why I take two steps forward and 4 steps back.
I need to saddle up and move on, move forward, move in the direction I set out to go in, not sit here and wallow in my self-doubt, my self-pity, my negative self talk, these negative thoughts are what lead me to believe that I can't do this and that I should just give up, but I know I can and I wont give up.  My biggest step right now will be to commit to texting, calling, screaming at, facebooking, or anything else when I want to veer off my path because soemtimes we don't want to hear the truth, sometimes we hate other people who tells us what we SHOULD hear and not what we want to hear but I have those people around me that will tell me what I NEED to hear and I am so thankful to have such trusting, caring and loving people in my life....

Sitchiations

So as I sit here, still dressed up in my internship clothes because I am seriously contemplating going out tonignht, I figured I need to start blogging more!  I am on the internet more than I sleep sometimes and although I really should make the better decision and get more sleep I guess I will wait to see if I get a text, I mean no I am not pathetically waiting for anything or anyone. #sitchiationnumberone

So my last blog I believe was all about my binge eating disorder and how I wondered what would happen when I got to the point where I did it, was close to doing it or in the middle of it, well let me play this story out for you.  From January 1st-January 29th I made a shit load of progress, didn't binge and was super proud but for whatever reason, Monday, during a lunch shift I decided to take the plunge into the crushed walnuts.  #sitchiationnumbertwo.  BAD IDEA TALIA!  I was unprepared with food because my meal plan just changed, and although nuts were apart of my next meal that one handful turned into many more, a dip into the crushed oreos and then a trip to wegmans for trail mix and poptarts.  I drove to school, ate one pop tart and started eating the trail mix and started crying, WHAT AM I DOING?  It was here I realized this is not who I want to be anymore.  

Fast forward to today bc I don't want to live in that past anymore and I am better.  I know I will never be perfect and I want to say that I will never binge again but maybe that was an unrealistic goal at this point in my life.  I have a lot of goals, a lot of commitments, and a lot of things that spread myself thin that sometimes I feel like I have nothing else to give #sitchiationnumberthree  Working two jobs, interning 16 hours a week, class on Monday nights, training for a competition and trying to have a social life is a lot already, add in trying to change my eating habits that I have been trying to change for years makes life very frustrating.  I am always so thankful for the supportive people in my life!!!!

What else?  Well I ordered another bikini bc the one I have isn't very flattering on me, I know in 11 weeks that will change drastically, bc I know I will be working my ass off but the one I ordered, the top fits amazing and the bottoms make me look like I haven't trained a day in my life.  I am seriously starting to think of getting a Victoria's Secret bikini, still tossing the idea around so I guess this could be #sitchiaationnumberfour.  Anyways, I need to get going so I can go buy some eggs!

Binge eating and other disordered thinking

That is my gorgeous girl Kayla!! Love you girl!!!!! This blog is dedicated to all of the people that struggle with any kind of disordered anything.  I mean let's get serious, as humans we struggle with many different types of mental issues.  I obtained my undergrad in Psychology, minor in Sociology and am working on getting my Master's in Social Work.  My biggest interest lies within the scope. of fitness and the struggles many of us go through with having no one to talk to but each other.  I never would have thought that Facebook would bring me closer to the types of people I have been looking to meet.  When I started my competition journey last year I started it because I needed a solid goal but my major concern was my binging.

 First of all, many people might not even know what binging means, well it's an eating disorder, called Binge Eating Disorder.  Briefly it is when I person consumes an excessive amount of food over a certain time period usually in a few hours, for me it would last all day more than once a week.  This individual doesn't puke it up but ends up with a seriously scarred mental wound after doing it for years.  Just like any other eating disorder when a person binges, when I binged, I knew I was doing it, sometimes I would even plan it, discretely, or around people that didn't know otherwise.  Sometimes it crept up by the little voice inside saying "just take a bite of this" then it would lead to an all out binge making it harder and harder to stop or talk myself out of it.  I turned this into an I because I want to share my experience with this as it makes it more truthful.  It's hard to explain fully, but it goes deeper than saying to me "just stop" "don't eat that" "should you be eating that?" if my mind was in binge mode, no one was stopping me.  It's hard to keep typing about it because I have struggled with this even before I started competing, since I always write, I just found some journals just to give you an example ::this is really deep stuff kids, ok not really but I have written deeper things I don't really want to share::

        "May 31st, 2009.....so for a very long time I have been counting calories, counting, restricting, depriving and binging and it is a continuous cycle that is not changing"

        "December 27th, 2009...Binge AGAIN! Damn how so I stop this?"

        "January 2, 2010...I went home with munchies.  I destroyed cheerios snack mix, cereal and cluster cereal.  I had a min binge attack but luckily we didn't have anything else worth gorging into

        "January 1st, 2011.....I wish I could stop labeling foods as good and bad...I don't want to feel like this fat slob I currently feel like..."

It is clear that this has been going on even before 2009 for me and this year something finally clicked and I have officially made it, not without a bloodshed, 4 weeks without binging.  Of course I haven't been perfect, I have had days where I over ate things and still felt that deep guilt that constantly talked me into just throwing up my hands, putting up the white flag and wallowing in all the unhealthiest foods I could get my hands on and if I couldn't I would literally go buy them.  The problem is what happens if I do slip bigger than just excessive calories? I used to cover that up with excess exercise and then I had a different problem.  I guess now I worry that I know I am not perfect, I know I will slip but after saying I haven't binged in 4 weeks how will I feel if I do?  Will I be so disappointed that I let it go on for days or will I stop it before it gets out of control?  How can I say I will binge again?  Wouldn't I want to continue the pattern of NOT binging, well you would thinkso but this is how my over analyzing begins...

Anyways, this is just a dip into my world and my done piece and after creating the group Fit Struggles I have confirmed where my heart is and what population I want to work with.  Eating disorders, exercise disorders, competitors and non competitors of the like.  Well as much as I would love to continue writing (1) this is long enough already and (2) I need to focus on this other current even so I don't fuck it up too bad

The Doctor is in

The above picture I found on my friend Kayla's blog!  Huge shout out to her, you are amazing girl!  It is Sunday, my only day off, off from work and training and I am doing a little bit of self reflecting.  First of all I would like to say that yesterday I put myself in a depressed state of mind over food, once again.  I usually have to work a double but I had seminar at school and so I was home earlier than normal.  I over indulged in peanut butter and took my mind into a downward spiral.  It was all too familiar and at first I knocked it out, keeping my spirits up, my positivity flowing but by the time I got out of work I was in serious trouble.  I had the binging mindset, I want to throw in the towel, I put my pajamas on and started using my internet addiction.  I went on my support pages, Team Fit, Apiring and Current Bikini and Fitness competitiors, looked at updates and then I started to seek out help.  I started chatting, friend requesting and just reaching out to others and it REALLY helped.  I ended up going out, had a blast and came home starving but knew I didn't want to go that route.  Thanks Megan!!!!  :)

I woke up feeling refreshed from being able to sleep 8 hours, not having to rush around and knowing I had the whole day off but as I laid there I still contemplated getting up and getting into that peanut butter.  Why Talia?  After doing that yesterday why in the world would you want to put yourself into the same exact position for 2 minutes of satisfaction with food?  Why are you gauging your happiness based on foods you can or can not consume?  Do you feel good after over indulging?  Are you going to be happy when you realized you consumed another half jar of peanut butter? After you eat the peanut butter are you going to be able to stop yourself from binging?  ALl of these questions swirled my head and eventually I answered them one by one; why? I am not sure, no, no, no, no, and no were the answers.  What do I really want?  To be better than I ever was and I know I am not going to get there with food.

I titled this the Doctor is in because I have and am sturggling with something that I KNOW for a fact a lot of individuals in this fitness world struggle with; food.  I am not sure who knows this but I am currently in school getting my Master's in Social Work which means after I will be a Master in something.  I chose this field because I can do more with it than specifying in a Psych field.  My ULTIMATE DREAM is to not only be a bikini pro but to be a counselor for those in the fitness profession, competing world, who deal with issues such as eating disorders, exercise disorders, body image and anything else you can think of.  I think because I have and am first hand experiencing this I had a better lead than a Doctor who knows nothing about the field.  I have wanted to "talk" to a professional on more than one occassion but does anyone realize what doing this would do?  It would end with the competing as the number one source for all of these problems when in reality it might be but I would not be going to discuss quitting, I would be going to discuss the issues associated with it and I would get no help or direction.  Why?  because most of these professionals are only trained to deal with the issue and not the other "stuff" and this is one of the many reasons why I want to get into this field.  I think it is a HUGE field but yet largely untouched.  In the WNY area alone there are NO eating disorder clinics, even discussing it with my Professor to figure out where I should intern next year to pursue my interests did he have any suggestions because there is nothing out here.  What does this suggest?  A few things (1) there isn't a need?  I do NOT buy into that, my father told me a story just as I was explaining this about his hairdressers daughter who entered in a support group with people ranging in age from extremely younger than her to extremely older than her, it didn't help (2) there are not enough people trained in this area (3) there are not enough funds.  Whatever the excuses or reasons are I will pursue these dreams as much as I have to and if it leads me to having to move then I will do it because this is what I WANT to do!!!

9 weeks!

I have to blog before I leave so I can let the emotion slip from my solid brain activity this early in the morning to words on a blog page.  Breakfast has been eaten, the peanut butter is now officially gone with the last of it on my rice cakes for today.  Honestly, the jar that I get should be lasting me 28 days, it definitely has not.  The reason I am panicking right now is because the show in Buffalo is 9 weeks away!!! Not only that but  the photo shoot I am doing is 8 weeks away this Sunday!!! WHAT AM I DOING?!?!

I need to step it up and I need to step it up right NOW! No more pussy footing!  I am gaining control over my binge eating, now it's time to gain control over EATING.

That is all for now, peace the fuck out

Fuck you food

I am blogging RIGHT fucking now, right this second because my emotions are over flowing with anger and anxiety and I need to get them out before I do any damage with food.  The whole day went perfectly.  Besides being really tired from this busy week (ok,ok, I know, 2 nights in a row not getting to bed until after 4am didn't help) but whatever, grab some Amp's and Mio and I am good :)  

So I got up early to prep my meals because I closed last night, and as soon as I put my pajamas on, washed my face, brushed my face, kissed my mom and dog, I got in my nice warm cozy bed!  So I sloppily, eyes half closed woke up 6 hours later thinking I could just go to the gym after my internship, NO!  I would not do that!  I am tired now, why would I wait?  So I went to the gym, I had a great workout and was glad I did go.  We ended up leaving our internship early because, well we live in Buffalo, the weather got bad (the lake never froze) and our last 2 appointments didn't show up.  I am already mad bc I know I have to go to the grocery store but already planned on going through the bulk isle to steal some nuts! What?  Don't judge me, I always take the ones I touch anyways.  I finally get there and the damn woman is stocking the nuts! FML, I got what I needed to get and did another swoop past and she is STILL there.  Wow, life, really?  I got frustrated, even though about going to the other store on my way home but I said, nah, I have PB and nuts at home.  So I came home and of COURSE I hit up the nuts and then go for the peanut butter.  As I am eating it I realize, is this what I want to be doing?  Do I WANT to sabotage this next weigh in for peanut butteR?  After consuming the nuts and the peanut butter both of which I have no idea how much, let's be honest here, when you use a spoon in the jar you will NEVER know how much you really ate and at that point did you really WANT to?

I made my stupid-i-dont-want-this-right-now-chicken-salad-minus-the-EVOO and headed to my room to facebook.  My friend Ginelle texted me and said she was craving sweets.  I told her I just ate more peanut butter than I should have and we both sent each other a few jdfhjsdf sdfjsdf texts and then I decided I needed to take a step forward and I told her WE can do this!  I will NOT open that jar of peanut butter and told her she will find nothing good in the cupboard!  I then continued to go onto a few of the groups I belong to on facebook, aspiring and current competitors and of course TEAM FIT!  I am so lucky to have all of this support around me and I will NOT be going back into that cupboard!

Day 19 no binging complete!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BAM! #Iknowimnotperfectbutimmakingprogress!

Shit gets crazy

You know what?  Why am I going so long without blogging?  I love writing and I am always on this internet but yet I make no time to type?  Weird.

Anyways, 3 fucking cheers for getting through my first two weeks of no binging!  I also was on my period one of those weeks and so I have already made TONS of exceptions to things I never imagined I would be able to.  I had progress pics taken this Sunday and the more I looked at them the more I thought to myself "whats really different?  So I posted them for other people to see and knowing there are visible changes makes me really proud.  I have been working so hard and I am so determined to reach my goals.  Why shouldn't I?  

Saturday my bestie and I went downtown, got dressed up, rocked the over the knees and had a blast.  After that we went to another bar where some of my friends from work were at, all the while I did not eat anything extra or eat anything when we got back to her place,  Sunday I hung out with friends from work, watched football and went to the bar and the whole time I had my food with me and ate when I needed.  The most annoying part of Sunday was when I went to the bar with them.  I no longer drink so I am already one out and so then they ordered 2 pizzas and they kept badgering me to just eat it, drilling me, etc.  I actually really started to get pissed and said "I'M NOT GOING TO FUCKING EAT IT SO STOP ASKING!"  Do people realize how dumb they sound?  I think it's funny as they shove their drunk faces with food and I am sober and don't do it!  BAM! #quitstuffingyourfatface

I have been getting better at swapping foods out and not eating more than I need to.  Monday, today, I knew I was going to have dinner with my parents so I switched some things around but didn't over eat.  

These past 2 weeks have been difficult and I have definitely been mad over food but I feel like I am slowly learning more and more about how to take control back.  I am also learning that I need to stop looking and comparing myself to other people and just put in the work I need to put in to get the best body my body can have!  In all honesty the pictures my friend took of me this weekend at the bar made me feel really good, I feel more confident, I am a chic, I like the comments, the attention and I feel like even with 2 weeks of eating healthy I have more self esteem than I usually do.  I am not trying to sound cocky but if we aren't confident with ourselves how will we ever reach our own dreams.  Considering my dream is to be a fitness/bikini model I NEED that confidence and now I know how to find it and keep it, eat healthy, exercise, rinse and repeat!

Weekend

So first of all, sometimes I write things that are true to life.  What can I say?  This is MY blog just like my facebook page is also free game to post, share, like, and status update as I please.  First of all it is 9:14pm on a Sunday night and I can OFFICIALLY say I have made it through the weekend without binging!  Have I had a slip up or two? Yes but did it lead to me feeling like a low life binger? No.  I stopped and though to myself, like today for example, what do I really want to do?  I can either stand here and eat more peanut butter than I should, then after that eat some chips, then eat some cookies and then take a trip to Tops to binge some more or I can stop, recognize I over ate on calories (even though I did cut out other stuff because of it) and take pride in knowing I created another EXCEPTION for myself.

This weekend was a bit crazy.  Ok, not really.  My weekends are far from crazy these days, I live the life of an aspiring bikini model.  I eat, workout, eat, work, eat, work, and go to bed, with maybe a few more times of eating.  Friday I went to bed so early my mom said "your going to bed already?"  Saturday I worked a double, talked to my trainer and we decided on him giving me the thumbs up or down at the end of January on whether or not he thinks I should do the show in March.  I am A-ok with that!  After I worked I went dancing with my bestie and then ended up running into my ex ex.  Now it wouldn't have been such a problem if he wasn't so concerned with making me jealous.  Way to ruin my night at 3am, good lord.  Sunday my friend and I were supposed to go hiking but my bitchy, hungry PMS ass said at 3:30 in the morning "honestly, I really don't feel like going, I want to sleep in on my day off"  So we did, went food shopping and I cooked up, cut up and weighed.

I do still feel this tingle of annoyance for swallowing so much peanut butter but instead I will move on with life and try to find some glitter to put on my nails :)