Anxiety anyone?

25 days until my second competition and I am starting to feel the anxiety and the pressures of life an all of the things I need to do.  I am not sure if my heart is racing because of this coffee, honestly, it.....

Never finished that entry..now it's 24 days out and those anxieties are still here...I am not sure if I could ever explain what it's like to have a "binge eater" mindset.  Honestly, as nasty as it sounds, you will never have a clue what it's like unless you actually live it and those who have or are know exactly what I mean.  For those of you whom are TRYING so hard to understand it, please know how difficult it is to describe something that even the person going through it doesn't know how to describe.

In talking with someone, shout out to SARAH, I have realized that my sub conscious feelings are failure and then the feelings of failure ultimately lead me to some sort of failure, like eating something I shouldn't be (ok this is what the majority of my failures consist of).  Competing is NOT easy and I know know know that, I never said it would be cake, my first show I thought I could come up with my own rules, find the loop holes, jumping through them gleefully and happy only to realize I fell flat on my face most of the time.  The second time around I have done much better but still seem to have all the same feelings. 

My main issues are the many roles I take on; I am an employee x's 2, I am a student, I am an intern, I am a girlfriend, I am a competitor, I am a sister, I am a daughter, I have class every monday night, I intern 16 hours a week, I work 2 jobs, I train twice a day, I food prep, cook, weigh and bag, I have homework, papers and research and yeah, I need to sleep too.  I am feeling extremely overwhelmed and unable to change anything other than my job situation.  I have been working at restaurants since I was able to legally work.  Being born into the family business I was always surrounded by food, good food, we were never deprived, seconds were always available, food portions/control was never learned.  Right now I am in the process of recognizing that working as a server in two places is doing me more damage than good.  I am constantly being surrounded by temptations and temptations that to a binge eater could be lethal just like a drop of alcohol could be lethal for a recovering addict.  Maybe I need to be hypnotized, maybe I need to starve myself, maybe I need to go on a liquid diet or maybe I just need to get out of my comfort zone and made a change!  

I think we all know and are familiar with what it's like to be in a comfort zone.  It sucks having that feeling of being out of it, being out of your element, of what you have known for so long but sometimes it's for the better and taking that chance could be worth it!  Hell I took a chance on loving again and so far I have realized it was the best decision I have made in a long time.  I will not give up, I will not give in, I will not throw the white flag at my goals!  I CAN do this!!!