BECAUSE!

I have been gone for awhile...I know you may wonder why but I am sure you already know that it's because I have been eating bad and I was too embarrassed to admit it.  Stupid holidays, stupid emotions, stupid me.  Not going to spend my whole blog bitching about it.  Only I can move on or stay in the same rut but this rut isn't going to win or place better in my next competition. I have to keep constantly reminding myself that I am not fucking perfect but it seems like I have to be in order to be obtaining the macros I need. I spent like 45 minutes last night tracking and preparing my food.  I was hoping to do it for the whole week but I got super frustrated and said fuck it, and realized looking too far ahead was driving me up the fucking wall.  

Had to work a double at Applebee's today and I am not going to lie, it was dead, I was super bored and my 2nd shift was in the kitchen and I was seriously getting anxiety thinking about all the foods I could be eating.  Instead though, I re-directed my spinnin wheels into that if I eat xyz it will only make me want more and then I on't be able to stop and then I will go into binge mode and then I will come on here and bitch because I couldn't hold myself together.  Let me tell you, there was food someone didn't pick up because they went to the wrong location, endless amounts of fries, the bins filled with oreo crumbs and crushed walnuts and they well ALL screaming my name!!  Seriously, they were, no lie.  I had everything planned, even the times but I did have to eat one meal earlier because I knew if I waited I would just pick on stuff and I had my meal waiting for me to eat it.  No big deal though, I toughed it out, I thought of that new bikini that's on it's way, I thought of how nasty I feel and how I was so much happier when I was eating healthy regularly and NOT binging.

So here I am, once again my macro goals are 1564/56/150/140 and today because I planned, because I stuck with the plan, because I really deeply thought before I reacted I ended at 1577/43/146/139.  

I have been stressin lately about a few things but I am really trying to focus on my goals and my dreams.  I know what I want out of life, I know where I want to be and go, who knows what will happen who knows where I will end up or where I will be living or what I will be doing but all I do know is that I am a selfish bitch and so it will all be about ME!

so close!!

Actual:1678/55/140/165

Goal: 1564/56/150/140

Signs of seriously needing an iphone: I went over calories because I was tracking them after I got home but I was hungry so I started eating my rice cakes with some almond butter on it and I ended up going over because I forgot to put something in, GRRRRRR.  It's ok though because looks like the calories were from protein anyways so I am sure my quads and glutes ate that shit up!  It's really frickin crazy how hard it is to eat MORE carbs when I am allowed too, I mean when I was at 100 it was so hard not to go over but now it's bumped up to 150 and I am like so crab crazy I end up being super cautious and being under!  I am kind of distraught because I was so focused on being as close as I can be because I really am doing this different the second time around.  I talked to my trainer today and got out some kinks and some worries over Thanksgiving feast.  My problem in earlier years was not eating all day so I could kill 3500 calories in 1 sitting.  Never works well for me so I am planning on hitting the gym so a good breakfast before, then a post workout and then the FEAST! sooo excited!!!

TMI- you can probably skip this part but I am feeling a little bloated today.  Not sure why, sodium was at about 1200 for the day and yesterday was around the same.  I still haven't received a visit from mother nature and again it makes me sick when I want it be here.  Maybe this is finally the week.  Jeepers.

What else is going on in the life of Talia?  Well I guess certain things are happening that are making me stress out but I put the brakes on that shit.  Talia doesn't like to be stressed and it just kills me to have my head spinning so much.  On another note, where the hell am I going to get money to Christmas shop?  Amount I have saved since last year $0...woops

p-p-p-p-lower

Actual:1590/54/145/139

Goal:   1564/56/150/140 (I think-and I am too lazy to go check)

Today, minus having to be around death was great.  I had the whole day off so I got to sleep in and just did my cardio a few hours ago with a friend of mine.  This friend I am super proud of because she is starting to really eat healthy and workout regularly again.  I am not going to lie and she knows this is true but she was such a difficult person to be around with her eating habits.  At one point she had drive thru cups in her rooms from 4 different places (and most of them weren't even hardly touched- a waste of money and calories if you ask me!)

I have also been having some crazy what if thoughts lately.  It's super crazy how the world brings things on when you aren't ready for them, just sits back and watches your life unfold.  I know I need to take life day to day grabbing it by it's reigns and going to the top of the world or where ever I want to go for that day.  I have learned from the past but I know I can not let it define me and I am trying NOT to do that but it is one of those things that's easier said than done.  Especially when it comes to relationships and this is not a time in my life that I need to be stressed out.  I do not like it.  I like where I am right now, chasing my dreams, reaching my goals, and whoever wants to travel with me on this journey is welcome.  I do not want to make irrational decisions anymore.  The only thing is if I leave some things behind or don't take that chance, will I miss out on opportunity that life is presenting to me?  Or am I being tested?  

Fuck it. livin how I want...

Check-in

1570/54/135/146.   My macro goal is 1564/56/150/140  :)

I don't really need to say anything else other than the fact that I am so dumb, really really dumb for real for always giving in to the devil on my shoulder waving around carbs.  I honestly do not understand why I always seem to do it the day before I weigh in, knowing that they have such an effect on my weight and appearance.  Oh well.  Seriously time to learn from that.  I have new macros which is AMAZING because I get 50 more grams of carbs than before and I can nom nom nom all day long on carbs, good ones of course.  Speaking of noming, really doesn't have anything to do with it but can you fucking believe that shit with the place McDonald's gets their eggs from?!  Unbelieveable that this shit still continues to go on.  I didn't even bother to watch it becasue my bestie gave it all away for me, and needless to say I had to say "STOP STOP STOP while she tried to tell me everything that they were doing.  It's videos like that that had me crying on my parents bed for 2 hours and lead me to vegetarianism.  It's true we hide ourselves from the truth, I know the truth but yet I still eat them :(  What can I say?  There are only so many different ways a girl can make tofu and damn I can't even iamgine being a vegetarian bikini competitor?!?!

Yes, by the way, now that we are on this topic of choice.  It has been brought to my attention on more than one occasion that I should not get bulky, big, manly or too muscular.  NEWS FLASH and I am sorry if this sounds mean but what I am doing does NOT involve getting bulky, manly or too muscular.  The competition world is hard to explain to people that don't do it but even harder to explain to those who don't make working out a priority in their life.  As a matter of fact it's even difficult to explain the process, the calorie counting, tracking, weighing, measuring, it really could be diagnosed behavior.  I don't want to be a mean nasty bitch and maybe I will come across as being such but it's kind of like this and like that and like this and uh... do your research.Thanks bye

pppplower

Look at this chic strut it!  The scale made me mad this morning and so I have to blog about it because I need to start venting through words and not through food.  I was good all week until yesterday, I am going to blame in on my trainer.  He texted me when I was at work and gave me my new macros which included a macro increase.  I literally leaped and jumped for joy through the kitchen and one employee actually said "wow, you are strange"  I know this.  You know what?  Here is another "You know you are a competitor when.." you jump up and down like a little child when your trainer increases your carbs.  LMFAO

Anyfrickinways- the progress pics and now this scale weight, which I am sure 1 pounds could be from muscle (that's what I am telling myself) and another pound from consuming too much sodium (seems logical) so I am really going to change things up this week.  My new macros are set 1564/52/150/140 so I am going to really push myself to get as close to them as possible, as accurately as I can with my calorie tracking weighing and measuring what I can and estimating anything else when I need to.  It is going to be tough and even harder when I am at my waitressing jobs but I just need to suck it up and do it.  I am already a little over 4 weeks before my next competition and I there is no time to be fucking around this time.  I am already on a good track but it needs to be improved.  So again, my goal is to reach macros as closely as possible today!  I will definitely be blogging more to hold myself more accountable

Have a great Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!

What it takes to come alive

I just took new photos for my progress pics and all I can say is EWWWW. !!  I can't believe how much can change in such a short amount of time.  Honestly, it takes something like that to really get me focused and I wish I would have done it earlier.  I know I have to let it go and being close to show weight is NOT realistic.  I get that.  I am not going to sit here and think I will be at that weight all year round because I know it's not possible BUT... right now I am thinking no further than this.  SEEING what I am carrying around even though it's only 8 pounds it REALLY makes a difference.  Especially for crazy bitches like me who know my body, the changes, etc.  Anyone that works out regularly and has seen their body change knows EXACTLY what I am talking about.  We ourselves are the ones who can ALWAYS tell a MAJOR difference even if to other people it looks like nothing has changed.  Why am I randomly screaming certain words?  I just like to EMPHASIZE.  

Anyways in the words of Ron I am using them as "fuel for your fire"  It is what it is and it really makes a huge difference when you are a little lax on your diet and not paying as much attention.

My goal for the next week is to focus on reaching my new macros and really seriously hitting them everyday, not going over or under but like spot ON!  I have done it before and I know I can do it again and I guess it took chunky monkey progress pics to get me to recognize it.  So be it! It's ON!  How will I be in the top 3 if I don't put in the effort now?  How will I ever be a bikini model if I am lax on my diet.  Granted right now is a better time to do it than ever but still, if I want to improve I have to start now and not later like I did before.  I am not saying I have been doing bad, I am actually a lot better off than I was before and I am proud of that but after seeing these pics I need to take it up a notch.  You are probably wondering what's with the pics? Where are they?  All I can say is, they are going to be amazing before photos.  This is what it takes to come alive! Self motivation!!!!

Regulators!!!

 This chic is the start of the "I want to look like that" and "I want to do that" goals

So here I am.  In my bulking phase.  My first week... lost a pound.  Inside I was screaming for joy because what girl wants to see the scale go up.  On the surface I was more or less confused, as was my trainer, who said what?  Ok, so when you have to lose you gain and when you have to gain you lose?  Yeah I am not sure I am getting it either.  ANYWAYS.  This phase is a little hard getting used to because everything is reversed.  There are no restrictions, I am supposed to be gaining weight and building muscle and so techniqually this should be the time when I am all out binging but I haven't.  I over ate a few times and it made me feel somewhat guilty and so this rant today is about eating in moderation.

I was at work today and had some fries.  No big deal.  Tracked it.  Had some walnuts.  No big deal.  Tracked it.  Had some lemon pound cake.  Now I am starting to freak out, because now the thoughts of wanting more, something different, thoughts start brewin up.  Went to church with my friend and I keep thinking "what will I do when I get home?"  The evil side of me says "raid that fuckin cupboard" while the bikini competitor in me says "no you will NOT do such things"  

The bikini competitor side of me won today but I still worry that I do not know how to eat these sort of things in mdoeration.  Or do I?  Or am I learning?  Or do I need to Shut the hell up?  

Everything in moderation is fine is what the consensus is.  What about us binge eaters though?  We know there are certain things that we just can not eat or it will send us into a raging spiral of shoveling food into our faces and then feeling guilty and bloated later.  It's never worth it but the thought will never go away unless it's done.  If I restrict though, it is only a matter of time before that bomb goes off because it is absolutely ticking away like a grenade! So if I am eating clean all week and then my re-feed comes and I go balls to the walls wouldn't it just have been better to eat what I craved in moderation throughout the week to even it out?

I don't know and I can't think about it any longer.  I did though just pass the test of today..I got home, turned on my cracked laptop because I dropped it on gravel today in a livestrong drawstring bag which obviously didn't help save it. Luckily for me, it only busted open the side, the screen is ok, the keyboard works, everything works...for now...started drinking water and I am no longer craving or thinking I need to eat more crap.  I mean really..what would it accomplish?  Nothing!

Who woulda thought?

I was the girl in high school that was always unprepared for gym class on the days we had to run the mile (with my partner Linds- HAHA).  I was the girl in high school that would have rather sat on my ass in front of the TV with a bag of doritos than take a walk outside.  I was the girl with a beer in one hand and a cigg in the other, standing in front of a bon-fire waiting for the next beer pong game to start.  I have changed my whole life and don't get me wrong I don't regret anything I do, did or will do. DISCLAIMER: I also don't look at anyone else differently that doesn't follow what I do.  I don't expect people to.  I know everyone is their own unique person and I admire everyone for being just that.  

I remember a few years ago when I first started getting into personal training (which BTW I just renewed my certification and have been pondering going back a few days a week to train at the BAC).  I would constantly buy Oxygen mag, Fitness Rx and just day dream about looking like those girls, wanting to model like they do.  People would constantly steer me away from competing or even thinking about it, telling me it's not maintainable that it's too much pressure, it's not realistic.  I believed them, I wasn't lean enough, I wasn't sexy enough, I wasn't good enough. .... I turned into a binge eater, compensating with over exercise, under eating, overeating, over exercise, a constant battle and a constant unhealthy cycle.  I am not sure what happened but one day I decided to do a competition...

I never let go of that dream and now I am living it out.  Looking at these pictures tonight from my first competition ever has made me so proud of where I have gotten.  I KNOW I need work, I KNOW I am not perfect, I KNOW I will probably never be free from binge eating, I KNOW I will always love food, but I also know I have a dream.  I now also KNOW that I have found something that if I become very passionate about that I can be good at.  I have always wondered in life what was I good at?  Some people were naturally good singers, dancers, etc and I never had anything.  There was never that ONE thing that I was "special" at and as cheesy as this may sound, I think I have finally found it.

I bitch and moan and complain about craving food, over eating, not being able to eat this, eating too much of that but honestly listen to this one.  Before I got home I was hangin with my bestie Nicole.  I was at Spot Coffee finishing a paper and the last thing I ate was at 3pm,  I have been up since 5 and all of my calories had been eaten by 3.  Fuck.  Tired + hungry Talia= crabby patty Talia.  We went to Wal mart because she needed an emergency mouse for her laptop and I went into the nut isle to find Mountain Trail Mix.  Anyone who knows what this is knows its the bomb and I was totally about to demolish some.  Luckily for me there was none.  I started texting for support, my trainer, my friends, fellow competitors and I was told to stick to the healthy stuff.  I knew I was going home to this CD and was probably deep down nervous as hell but I opted for a chicken salad with tomatoes and red wine vinegar mixed with my Grandma's home made Italian dressing.

Once I started looking at these pics, a light went on, energy started flowing to my body, I no longer wanted junk food, I was thrilled to look at the pics, excited knowing I am doing another show and even more happy with myself that life just allowed me to fuck that hole of wanting to eat like shit.  It was a sign from the lack of trail mix at Wal Mart and I will carry that with me for at least the next 2 days before I want to eat junk again. HAHH 

Long blog short: I have found my calling and I am determined to reach my goals! Can't wait! I have so much support I could cry!

Extra cardio? Am I insane?

Fitspo friend Heather! Get it girl! You look amazing!!!

So about 20 minutes ago I was trying to stealthily ask my trainer to allow me to do more cardio tomorrow and when he said no I actually was slightly disappointed.  Then... it occurred to me how much I despised cardio just 3 weeks ago when I was doing double sessions and wanted to not only stab someone in the eyeballs but frantically scream across the cardio floor how annoying and boring it was.  So thanks Ron, for not only not letting me make up for excess calories via excessive exercise but also saving me from hating the day tomorrow.

So now I guess I will have to explain my excessive calorie consumption. Well..you see..I first must make a disclaimer.  Pre-competition I  was on an extremely restrictive diet, my boyfriend dumped me 2 days before the show and for anyone who encountered me during that time period I will take the time right now to say..I'm sorry.  After the show restrictions are lifted and no, I won't lie I ate everything I wanted to over 7 days and gained 10 pounds on the scale.  10?!?! 10 pounds?! Yes. 10.  The week after I lost 7 and so I am hoping that the next weigh in will stay the same or go slightly below but not when I think consuming croutons and french fries before a meal will help.  Now granted, our corporate manager was on site, AGAIN and for fuck's sake do I ALWAYS have to be there when he is?  So eating really wasn't an option and I had already eaten what I had when I got there after my workout.  Mistake.  I should have eaten something at the halfway point.  Instead, I ordered food after my shift, a shit load of broccoli and a slab of chicken with some melted cheese and sauteed veggies.  My fat self couldn't control my munchies and since I made it a goal to not eat any nuts today (yes, it really has come down to this) I said, hell, eat some croutons and then some fries.  So I am not sure what my calorie intake is 100% (failed on that goal-I wanted to be 100% accurate today) but I do know that it is about 500 calories over which is I was about 500 calories over on Saturday I am already up 1000 and honestly this means nothing to me other than the fact that it makes me think in negative mindsets.

This is where the problem is.  I know, it takes me so much longer to get to the point in these blogs, but whatever, it helps to vent.  No one else will listen to this nonsense.  ANYFUCKINWAYS....I am TRYING to get that balance but to also get my macros where they need to be, I did it perfectly yesterday but today, not so much.  How come?  What was different today?  I made the move by taking the first bite.  I ate the crouton knowing I couldn't eat just one serving and then I started in the fries because I started to get the fuck it attitude.  Then though after eating my meal and wondering why mo co-worker didn't give me the rest of her quesadilla burger because I TOLD her if she wasn't going to finish it that I would that I said to myself "really fatty?" You just consumed a shit ton of useless calories and your stomach is already getting bloated and all you can think about is eating more?  Luckily, my manager was giving me a serious stare down at my plate of croutons so I busted out of there before I got asked to ring them in as a side order of something.

It's tough, well it was difficult when I had a ton of restrictions I wanted to prove that I could it it my own way and I didn't win.  Now I am trying to do it the right way but I still can't seem to get it right.  I want to do so much better at this next competition and have been giving it even more though about doing 2 back to back.  How will I get better if I don't keep practicing?  The more the better, right?  I just wish it would click with me and food.  I try to get away with not planning out my day when I don't have food and think I will be fine because I work at a restaurant but it is definitely harder to get away with at a family owned business than it is with big brother eyeballs watching you all the time.  I am better off bringing in my own food so I don't have to buy stuff and it's always when I do not have food that I struggle the most.

Moral of the story? Plan like my trainer and everyone else around me has been telling me to do this whole flippin time.  I also think I need to be more aware of when I am going to start running out of food so I don't have to get it all in one shot I can replace things here and there.

Thank you..that is all for now.

Easy bakin'

.  Today was my first cheat meal and I am not quite sure how I am feeling.  I ate a Stromboli at work.  Yeah that's right bitches!  WAIT...I need to do this in the order they happened so let's back up a little bit.  Ok lets back track to my very early morning and getting up at 6:30am so I could do my workout before my seminar at UB.  I stopped at Wal Mart first so I could finally get new headphones.  I have been without music since the last few days before my show because in a vicious attempt to burn more calories with bags under my clothes and sweats on they came out of my ears and I ran them over on the elliptical.  It was a pretty dramatic and tragic event,  I am assuming it was also amusing to watch from an outsider perspective.  As I walk in I see an Easy Bake oven, limited edition of course! $34.88 and I immediately thought of my SWCB Robin and was pissed when I realized I left my phone in the car.

I get to the gym and then realize I left my ipod in the car. fuck.  So I ran back to get it. Fuck. I brought it with me after all.  At this point I know getting to class on time just isn't going to happen and that didn't make me move any faster.  I wanted a good workout and I  had an awesome workout!

After class I went to the library to be a productive little human being.  After going back to get my headphones this time once I got settled and started listening to my recorded session that I care barely make out what I am saying.  How am I supposed to write like this?  So I drive all the way back home.  Pit stop at Delta Sonic, had to clean up Alana, she has been a dirty girl! Get home and hardly get anything accomplished because there is so much other shit going on around me that I can't concentrate.  Not only that but I realize my Pre-juding DVD has arrived so of course it's another distraction except this one ruined it all.  I started critiquing myself like a MOFO and so then I started to get depressed and started thinking about what I looked like then, what I looked like a week before that and how much better I looked and then my boyfriend had to start acting different and dump me and I ruined my bod because I had to deal with my emotions with food.  Now as I am typing this what did I just do when I was watching the DVD?  Was I hungry? yes, but was I leading with my emotions and feelings too? Yes.  I should have included some protein in my snack but I started mowing down rice cakes.  I got to work ate a bunch of the croutons I said weren't worth it yesterday but were today and made my stromboli.  It took me 1.5 hours to eat the damn thing.

Anyways the moral of this ridiculous blog today is that I am having a hard time settling in to this new "bulking" phase and when I start seeing the scale go up even more I know I am going to freak out.  I know know know know know I shouldn't be judging my worth based on a set of numbers BUT it IS a hard habit to break for those of you that know.  Soemtimes it's hard to express things sometimes because I know other readers who arent competitors or religious gym goers, or healthy eaters just don't understand what the big deal is.  The big deal is that I WANT to keep competing, I WANT to do better and make better decisions.  My cheat meal today was a huge piece of bread with sodium and protein and I honestly could and really would like to go from now until Thanksgiving without having another re-feed.  I think I will use RF instead of cheat, cheat makes it sound wrong. 

I have a bad habit of not seeing the positive things I accomplish but only the negative and what went wrong.  I AM learning though.  Learning from what others have taught me along the way as they pass through my life.  I am learning that I do not see competing as such a huge deal as others may.  I see myself on that stage as not a girl who gave it her all.  I see a girl who went through a lot during the competition and had so many set backs it caused her to almost place last.  These are the kinds of things that go through my head and I know they drag me down.  So was there a time when I was proud?  My pictures on my facebook when I was a week out I looked better than when I was on stage.  The pics my ex boyfriend took, I was proud of those.  Well Talia, what was different?  I was happy, I was following the plan, I was determined.  So what makes that time different from this?  I guess I was using my cheat meal as an excuse to slip in a few other things.  Whatever.  I didn't binge.  I didn't let myself fall into the whirl wind of negativity.

I am excessively tired.  Was supposed to shake my rump downtown tonight but I am not going to make it.  Honestly, my body is telling me to just go to bed.  Clocks turn back and my body will love me even more for getting a few extra Zzz's.  Attacking some cardio and that 5 page paper tomorrow!  May take my laptop to spot coffee and just chill on my own in a different environment.  Bombshell my body..maybe make out..who knows...I will make sure I look cute, just in-case.  I think this will call for an "Aria" outfit :)  I know exactly what to wear!

Breakfast brownie orgasmn

Who wouldn't want a chocolate protein brownie baked in the oven smothered with chocolate syrup at 9am?  Well I sure as hell do and it was so fucking delicious I felt like I was eating something bad!  I followed the directions this time, actually doubled the recipe because I am a big fatty now and BAM!  That shit was done in 20 minutes just like Robin said but sorry, hell to the no I didn't wait 5 minutes to let it cool.  I wanted to bury my face in that right AWAY! So she is my star fitspo for today!

I honestly just have no food right now and I am sure this contributed to my slight fall yesterday BUT it is a new day and I get ANOTHER chance to fuck it up.  HAHAH just kidding.  I get another chance to get it right and not let food take over my day.  I am headed to the gym to train a friend (if she wakes up, still haven't gotten a text, she seemed determined but ya'll know how it is when you actually have to get out of bed) and then my cardio time.  I will be slightly disappointing if she doesn't show up but sorry Cassie, not shocked.  It's just this bias I have about people who are just getting into a routine.  Either they have trouble starting the routine or they have trouble sticking to it! 

  I also bought Victoria's secret Bombshell and Tease perfume/bodywash/lotion and I am thrilled beyond belief to use that shit today and smell AMAZING!! Hello to being single!!!! Hi, how are you? I smell nice? Why thank you! Now tip me $10, leave me your number and meet me outside so we can make out!!!  BAHAHHAHA

PeAce out!  Gotta fly!  Keep it sexy just like my sexy west coast bestie!

Guilty

Hi Jessica! Number 2 on the top ten IFBB Pro Bikini girls.  I would have put number one up but she's blonde and I'm a brunette kinda girl.  I really just need to complain and rant about food.  Yes food.  I also need to bitch about some womanly problems but I mean really we are all old enough to understand the "cycle" right?  

Anyways yesterday I was at brick house and bought a $3 side of broccoli and a $3 side salad.  Now I am not sure why I paid more for broccoli than I did for lettuce with shredded cheese on it?  Doesn't cheese cost MORE than vegetables?  Just my $0.02 but I was super proud that I made that decision.  I was being pulled for at least an hour on what I should eat.  I had gotten the chance to be around the internet and knew that all I needed to was carbs and so it really shouldn't have been this big of an internal/mental battle.  Out of everything- the mental aspect of this is so hard and so when it's fought it's such a HUGE win especially for someone with a self diagnosed eating disorder.  I mean fuckin seriously, breakfast, lunch, dinner and 2 snacks and call it a day.  Should be simple? Why isn't it?

Another thing is I lost my BC long ago and I still haven't been able to start another month yet.  Um HELLO?!  How bad is it that I will be overjoyed with extreme excitement when mother nature decides to  finally visit me.  No, and the answer is no for those of you who have already thought "gee, maybe shes pregnant" not a chance, not a chance, def would have known by now anyways.

Take into account the back of the mind stress I have going on with this student loan and I have this constant anxiety over food.  Today my goal was to keep the focus off of food and I wasn't able to accomplish it.  Food and food thoughts have such a powerful force over me and no one can truly understand what this feels like unless they are in a deficit so seriously don't even try to be with me on this level because you will never "get it"  It's the annoying feeling of being hungry but knowing you can only eat a certain thing.  It's the annoying feeling of being hungry but knowing you can't eat for another 2 hours.  It's the ridiculous feeling of feeling hungry but can't figure out why because you just fucking ate!!

Today I had my internship from 1030-7 but we got out early.  I sent out texts to like 5 people saying how much life loves me for keeping me away from a trail mix binge fest because I was going to go get some inbetween clients.  Well in the end I ended up eating nuts anyways and now I have that feeling.  I can't even explain it because its deeper than I can express.  It's stuck, I feel guilty for not measuring/weighing the nuts and not knowing how much I really consumed for today.  I am also feeling scared about this "bulking" phase.  I don't know what that is going to look like or feel like.  I weigh in on Saturday and I am hoping to see a loss but in the next few months my trainer wants to see a muscle gain and so I am not sure how I will handle this either and maybe that, which has always been in the back of my head, is starting to surface and show itself in different ways.  I KNOW KNOW KNOW KNOW I shouldn't eat nuts or trail mix and I  think I have given it up 3 times already.  The only reason I started eating it again was because I needed the fats.

I feel very stressed right now writing this because I feel as if I have a lot to say and no words to put it into that What was different today than other days? If I follow my SFBT (Solution Focused Brief Therapy) on myself-good grief, how pathetic- I would ask myself what's different on the days when I do well, when I feel confident and follow the plan, hence Solution focused NOT problem focused.  On the days I do well and feel confident I had better food choices.  For example yesterday I was extremely bored but I didn't focus on food, and I had more filling meals.  Actually, that is a lie, I was bored and I got out of work early so I used my laptop and that distracted me from thinking about food.  When I am at my internship I am literally just sitting the whole time.  

I could be on here all night trying to get all of this out.  Basically, I am doing well and I know I am and this is NOTHING compared to other slip ups, this is just an-i-went-over-my-calories-today-kind of day.  I did not let it lead me to the negative thinking that it could have because I reached out.  I texted my trainer and told him that I feel guilty because I don't know how much I ate, that I know I overate and I guess it does start the negative thinkin process.  I can't help it though.  I so seriously want to do so much better at this next competition but then I think it's the fact that I get mad at myself because I keep making the same mistakes over and over again.  For example I know I shouldn't be doing anything with nuts but yet I still mess around with them.

I also think I need to-like emphasized in SF- is to focus on the positive things.  I have not binged, I have been eating healthy, I CAN accomplish this goal and get better at it.  I think as long as I stay focused on the goal and be honest not only with myself but with my trainer and allow him into my world a little more by texting and communicating more with him and all of my other supportive friends that I can PREVAIL!