Anxiety anyone?

25 days until my second competition and I am starting to feel the anxiety and the pressures of life an all of the things I need to do.  I am not sure if my heart is racing because of this coffee, honestly, it.....

Never finished that entry..now it's 24 days out and those anxieties are still here...I am not sure if I could ever explain what it's like to have a "binge eater" mindset.  Honestly, as nasty as it sounds, you will never have a clue what it's like unless you actually live it and those who have or are know exactly what I mean.  For those of you whom are TRYING so hard to understand it, please know how difficult it is to describe something that even the person going through it doesn't know how to describe.

In talking with someone, shout out to SARAH, I have realized that my sub conscious feelings are failure and then the feelings of failure ultimately lead me to some sort of failure, like eating something I shouldn't be (ok this is what the majority of my failures consist of).  Competing is NOT easy and I know know know that, I never said it would be cake, my first show I thought I could come up with my own rules, find the loop holes, jumping through them gleefully and happy only to realize I fell flat on my face most of the time.  The second time around I have done much better but still seem to have all the same feelings. 

My main issues are the many roles I take on; I am an employee x's 2, I am a student, I am an intern, I am a girlfriend, I am a competitor, I am a sister, I am a daughter, I have class every monday night, I intern 16 hours a week, I work 2 jobs, I train twice a day, I food prep, cook, weigh and bag, I have homework, papers and research and yeah, I need to sleep too.  I am feeling extremely overwhelmed and unable to change anything other than my job situation.  I have been working at restaurants since I was able to legally work.  Being born into the family business I was always surrounded by food, good food, we were never deprived, seconds were always available, food portions/control was never learned.  Right now I am in the process of recognizing that working as a server in two places is doing me more damage than good.  I am constantly being surrounded by temptations and temptations that to a binge eater could be lethal just like a drop of alcohol could be lethal for a recovering addict.  Maybe I need to be hypnotized, maybe I need to starve myself, maybe I need to go on a liquid diet or maybe I just need to get out of my comfort zone and made a change!  

I think we all know and are familiar with what it's like to be in a comfort zone.  It sucks having that feeling of being out of it, being out of your element, of what you have known for so long but sometimes it's for the better and taking that chance could be worth it!  Hell I took a chance on loving again and so far I have realized it was the best decision I have made in a long time.  I will not give up, I will not give in, I will not throw the white flag at my goals!  I CAN do this!!!

Motha-fuckin-early

I have about 15 minutes to write the most amazing blog ever, probably not likely but ok fine, I have 15 minutes to blog, bitch, complain, rant, rave and say whatever else I need to say before I really get my day statrted.  Yesterday began with a 3 pound loss on the scale and I nearly had a block party before noon.  It was a gorgeous day out and so I did girlie girl things for once.  You know, like get my eye brows threaded, went tanning and bought some allergy medicine because apparantly I have obtained allergies?? wtf.  I honestly thought I was sick, AGAIN and I couldn't even believe it.  Glad to know it's just allergies but then again it really sucks, I always remember feelings sorry for those people.

Any which way..yesterday was also a big day for many people competing such as Kerry, Robin, Lindsey and Shelly.  HUGE HUGE HUGE shout out to you girls!  You are an inspiration!  I am motivated by you girls everyday!!

The end of the night didn't turn out too well.  I ended up staying home because I had this ridiculous paper to write that, yes, of course I procrastinated on and well, one things leads to another, I responded to something I shouldn't have via text message and it got me into a really big hole that I wasn't able to fuck.  I disappointed myself and now I am here at 630am discussing it in my head, trying to figure out how to fix it but yet I'm still in the damn ditch!  Is anyone going to find me?

Crap..I gotta get ready..time's up...

How bad?

Let me take you into the world of Talia for a moment.  First of all I am happy to say I am dating a guy named Andrew, and so far I truly believe he is the best guy for me.  He supports me from 2.5 hours away (he would say 2- REBEL), he pushes me to be better, stronger and never give up. <3 =]

 Yesterday was an incredibly LONG day, like so long I thought I was going to crash right in the middle of my internship while we were wrapping damn baskets for a raffle!  I got up at 5, cooked breakfast, made coffee, got my meals together, then hit the gym for an hour of sweet dripping stair climbing cardio intervals.  I took over 200 floors and about 5 miles of stepping. #Holyfuckballs.  Went to my internship from 830-330 and I must say since I missed last week I felt so missed from all of the hugs I got when my kids saw me, they make me smile!  After that it was get to work by 430 and work until 1130! Thanks to my fit sister Ami, she tore me away from wanted to bury my head in sliced almonds and shrimp.  I ate a little extra last night but I reached out for help because I knew I needed to! Got home a little after midnight and geez, you know you really do live in the country when you get out of your car to go in your house at that time of night and it smells like cow shits! Get in my house say hello to my Handsome Prince River, get all my stuff, put it away [this is the part the blows about living so far from everything, I have to spend at least 20 minutes packing my shit for the day], get my laptop out and of course get lost on facebook for at least another half hour.  When did this shit become such an addiction!?!?

Finally decide to get to bed around 1245, alarm is set for 545, finally get myself out of bed at 615 and here I am.  I could have slept in, my internship doesn't start until 10 but it also doesn't end until 730 and I DO NOT want to be going to the gym after sitting there for hours upon hours.  I know myself and I KNOW I will be too tired to get in a decent workout.  So why am I writing this blog with 15 minutes to get dressed, get my shit together and get out the door?  I wanted to write this because I feel so proud of myself for asking myself what do I want more?  When I was in bed and my alarm went off at 545, although I snoozed 6 times and I wanted to continue sleeping, I got up because I have dreams and goals to achieve.  I know this shit won't happen if I don't put in the work.  I am such a different person than I was during my last competition, I had a lot of excuses, I wanted to do things MY way.  I am almost 4 weeks out from my show and I want to put in the most effort I ever had.  I am not saying I will be perfect but I am going to do the best I can do and put the best in it that I can!!

Rise and shine it's lifting and cardio time bitches!!!

Sqqquuuueeee

LOOK! LOOK! IT'S ME!! Honestly, I must tell ya'll this little story and if you read this Andrew, just know that you really inspire me to think more about what feelings I am engaging in and WHY.  So I sent this pic to someone, hesitated to do so because well, sometimes we want to make sure we are making the right decisions and for myself, I have made PLENTY of wrong decisions that felt like the right ones in the beginning and then ended up not being right AT ALL.  After sending it I then posted it on Facebook, also AFTER contemplating whether or not I should.  So what gives?  What's with all the contemplating?  Well, I am someone that really could give two fucks what anyone thinks of me, what I am doing and what my goals are but what I DO NOT want to come across as is someone who is trying to seem better than anyone else.  The decision to post this pick was related to the CONSTANT hard work I put in day in and day out to reach the goals I set out for myself.  I am NOT a perfect person, I never will be nor do I strive to be but entering in the competition world was the BEST thing I have ever done for myself and I have finally found out who I am by doing so. I thank my trainer Ron for always being the one to set my mind straight!

 It also severely helps to have so many people in my life that understand me.  My two Jessica's, you girls both show me so much support, and I look up to both of you in SO many ways! I get to see my sister Ami in May!  We understand each other sooo much it's crazy!! Can't wait to slumber party!! Chelsea and I will definitely meet at some point in our lives because we were also destined too.  Whitney is a DAILY motivator for me.  Kayla and Mimi you both rock my socks for always making sure I am doing ok and it's good to know that we have some real solid common ground.  Sarah for also knowing exactly where I am coming from and pushing me as much as I can push her! My sexy west coast bestie Robin inspires me on the regular with her killer body.  Derek who pushes me randomly when in reality are the times I coincidentally need it the most.  All of my hole fuckers too!!  I could keep  going and going!  All the people in Team Fit, all the girls in the Asipiring/Current competitors, Team Aspire, Fit Struggles, you are all amazing to me.  Ginelle who I have met and grown to know recently who has been through so much, juggles so much, is stronger mentally than she thinks she is and the ability for her to keep going no matter what comes her way has been a blessing to me this year.  I am so thankful I have gotten to know her and that we were able to do our internship together, a friendship that I KNOW will last a lifetime!!  My bestie Nicole, who no matter what will tell me like it is and not what I want to hear, the girl who goes through life with me, by my side and has my back.  Andrew,  Andrew, you give me so much strength,you have no idea what you do to me.  It's the best feeling in the world to know that someone can care about you in a way no one ever has before.  To be able to feel that...feeling..that I have never felt before......

I just know that this process is NOT an easy one.  It is not for everyone either and I do not expect people to jump on my train and join me eating chicken out of a bag or cold sweet potatoes from my car.  I work hard for what I am doing, I make mistakes along the way but I am doing this for ME to reach MY goals and in no way shape or form am I trying to do anything else but yes, show off all of this hard work and dedication.  I want to be an inspiration, I want to be Fitspo, I want to be a winner, I want to be a pro one day, I want to be on the cover of Oxygen one day or FitnessRX, hell anywhere in a magazing fequently and I know I won't get there unless I bust my ass!!!!

Thanks again everyone!! I could sit on here all day and make more shout outs but I need to get up at 6 and get a kick ass workout in before this crazy weekend gets goin!! =] SUPER STOKED!

Mad shout outs

When it's almost midnight and you have to get up earlier than 7am why not write a blog?  Hello!! it's the cool thing to do, just saying!

Today was quite successful I must say and for the record I have been binge free for 9 days in a row which has included 1 weekend!  It's fantastic not only when you can set a goal for yourself but when you set the goal and instead of taking it in big pieces, breaking it off into smaller more tangible chunks.  I am a homeosapien that often takes life too far in advance.  Like for example, instead of taking today as just Tuesday and doing the things I needed to do, I am thinking about the weekend and what I need to plan for the individual that is coming to visit me.  In the words of Robin, my SWCB...SSSSQQQUUUUUUEEEE I am so excited even if it means beating him at the game of Life all weekend long=]  Anyways, yeah, so I tend to rush life, rush the day, and often find myself trying to peep into the doors of the future when in reality I was not meant to know anything at all about it.

The day started after sleeping for almost 12 hours.  Hell yeah bitches, I got to sleep from about 1230 until 1030!  If I didn't wake up knowing I had to pee and go back to bed and then wake up almost pissing my pants I would have gotten to sleep longer #knowstopeethefirsttimebutneverdoes

So I get up, eat breakfast, whore it up on facebook and then hit the gym.  I planned on walking \for 40 minutes (bc after having hours of phone conversation I completely forgot about it) then lifting, then doing cardio and if I had time to walk it out.  Please keep in mind before you continue that I LIVE at this gym, everyone knows me, and the employees probably see more more often than my parents and I live with them. So Andy comes up to me and asks what I am working on today, I said legs, he asked if I wanted a workout so I said SURE! I like to be pushed every now and then, I wasn't sure what style he had or what he was going to have me do, all I knew was that it more than likely would involve a lot of reps and cause me to have some severe DOMS the next day so i took on the challenge.  Part of the workout involved a 500 meter row as fast as I could, did it in about 2 minutes 10 second and so another trainer, Kyle, that was working out of course, because he is a guy and that's what guys do had to see if he could beat my time, yeah, he did, by 20 seconds. DAMN IT.  So then I start to wobble back on the eliptical for some cardio and ANOTHER trainer Jeff asks me if I want to do TABATA.  He has been asking me and asking me to do it and to be quite honest I was scared, I don't do much circuit training, I do cardio a lot but I just fear I wouldn't be able to live up to my fitness standard =]  I did it anyways and it was an awesome workout and I hope I gave myself points.  There were about 6 other people that did it with us and it was definitely something I would do again and wish I was able to come in later in the day when they do it.

After that I volunteered at UB south campus for alcohol awareness and it always amazing me how much general alcohol safety knowledge college students lack, legal BAC levels, the difference between 12 ounces of beer and 1.5 ounces of liquor, and what affects alcohol leaving the body.  No, it is actually not safe to leave your best friend passed out on the floor...

Then my friend Kristen made me some delicious dinner!  Baked Salmon and asparagus.  It was nice to end the night with some much needed conversation and girlie advice giving!  I appreciate everyone in my life, and the ones that take the time to get to know me, the deeper me, are patient with me and willing to accept me, my dreams and everything that makes Talia, Talia.  I must say though I missed Ami tonight, my fit sister, where have you been all day!??!!

Meow

Last night I gathered my meals together, packaged them up.  I even made my eggs and packaged them to eat at a different time, was going to eat my oatmeal in the morning because I knew I wouldn't be around a microwave, set my alarm and went to bed excited to start posing in the morning.  Well I woke up, I knew it was not 530am, looked at the clock, 845. FUCK. Immediately went to my phone, saw some missed calls and missed texts.  SO FUCKING ANNOYED.  I was really excited to start this and now I have to face my emotions of being irriated, annoyed and pissed off.  So I will get those out on the iron I will be lifting at the gym.  Stupid fuckin life mistakes I HATE YOU!!!

Yesterday marked 6 weeks until my competition.  My weigh in also had me dissappointed and frustrated because I slipped up the week before.  So have you noticed I have been actually naming feelings? well, I was told about a book called "The Food and Feelings workbook" so I bought it and have been working through it and it is really amazing.  A friend, also mailed me a book called "Mind Gym" and that is also another amazing book, THANK YOU KAYLA!!!  I have been really trying to focus on noticing, recognizing and processing my feelings instead of ignoring them, walking away from them, or trying to change them into something they are not and then not or even trying to stuff them away with food.  

This shit isn't easy, not everyone has what it takes to stick to an exercise and healthy eating plan for very long and even less people have what it takes to compete and I totally know why.  You either get through it and want to continue or you decide it's not for you.  Either way, that's ok but I know for ME, I WANT this.  I want to become a bikini competitor that wins, I want to be the girl on FitnessRX or even Oxygen and I know I will NOT get there unless I put in the work!  

Today my goals are to have an amazing workout, finish my paper for school and enjoy some relaxation time with a friend later tonight SQUATCHIN!!!!!