BECAUSE!

I have been gone for awhile...I know you may wonder why but I am sure you already know that it's because I have been eating bad and I was too embarrassed to admit it.  Stupid holidays, stupid emotions, stupid me.  Not going to spend my whole blog bitching about it.  Only I can move on or stay in the same rut but this rut isn't going to win or place better in my next competition. I have to keep constantly reminding myself that I am not fucking perfect but it seems like I have to be in order to be obtaining the macros I need. I spent like 45 minutes last night tracking and preparing my food.  I was hoping to do it for the whole week but I got super frustrated and said fuck it, and realized looking too far ahead was driving me up the fucking wall.  

Had to work a double at Applebee's today and I am not going to lie, it was dead, I was super bored and my 2nd shift was in the kitchen and I was seriously getting anxiety thinking about all the foods I could be eating.  Instead though, I re-directed my spinnin wheels into that if I eat xyz it will only make me want more and then I on't be able to stop and then I will go into binge mode and then I will come on here and bitch because I couldn't hold myself together.  Let me tell you, there was food someone didn't pick up because they went to the wrong location, endless amounts of fries, the bins filled with oreo crumbs and crushed walnuts and they well ALL screaming my name!!  Seriously, they were, no lie.  I had everything planned, even the times but I did have to eat one meal earlier because I knew if I waited I would just pick on stuff and I had my meal waiting for me to eat it.  No big deal though, I toughed it out, I thought of that new bikini that's on it's way, I thought of how nasty I feel and how I was so much happier when I was eating healthy regularly and NOT binging.

So here I am, once again my macro goals are 1564/56/150/140 and today because I planned, because I stuck with the plan, because I really deeply thought before I reacted I ended at 1577/43/146/139.  

I have been stressin lately about a few things but I am really trying to focus on my goals and my dreams.  I know what I want out of life, I know where I want to be and go, who knows what will happen who knows where I will end up or where I will be living or what I will be doing but all I do know is that I am a selfish bitch and so it will all be about ME!