Regulators!!!

 This chic is the start of the "I want to look like that" and "I want to do that" goals

So here I am.  In my bulking phase.  My first week... lost a pound.  Inside I was screaming for joy because what girl wants to see the scale go up.  On the surface I was more or less confused, as was my trainer, who said what?  Ok, so when you have to lose you gain and when you have to gain you lose?  Yeah I am not sure I am getting it either.  ANYWAYS.  This phase is a little hard getting used to because everything is reversed.  There are no restrictions, I am supposed to be gaining weight and building muscle and so techniqually this should be the time when I am all out binging but I haven't.  I over ate a few times and it made me feel somewhat guilty and so this rant today is about eating in moderation.

I was at work today and had some fries.  No big deal.  Tracked it.  Had some walnuts.  No big deal.  Tracked it.  Had some lemon pound cake.  Now I am starting to freak out, because now the thoughts of wanting more, something different, thoughts start brewin up.  Went to church with my friend and I keep thinking "what will I do when I get home?"  The evil side of me says "raid that fuckin cupboard" while the bikini competitor in me says "no you will NOT do such things"  

The bikini competitor side of me won today but I still worry that I do not know how to eat these sort of things in mdoeration.  Or do I?  Or am I learning?  Or do I need to Shut the hell up?  

Everything in moderation is fine is what the consensus is.  What about us binge eaters though?  We know there are certain things that we just can not eat or it will send us into a raging spiral of shoveling food into our faces and then feeling guilty and bloated later.  It's never worth it but the thought will never go away unless it's done.  If I restrict though, it is only a matter of time before that bomb goes off because it is absolutely ticking away like a grenade! So if I am eating clean all week and then my re-feed comes and I go balls to the walls wouldn't it just have been better to eat what I craved in moderation throughout the week to even it out?

I don't know and I can't think about it any longer.  I did though just pass the test of today..I got home, turned on my cracked laptop because I dropped it on gravel today in a livestrong drawstring bag which obviously didn't help save it. Luckily for me, it only busted open the side, the screen is ok, the keyboard works, everything works...for now...started drinking water and I am no longer craving or thinking I need to eat more crap.  I mean really..what would it accomplish?  Nothing!