Guilty

Hi Jessica! Number 2 on the top ten IFBB Pro Bikini girls.  I would have put number one up but she's blonde and I'm a brunette kinda girl.  I really just need to complain and rant about food.  Yes food.  I also need to bitch about some womanly problems but I mean really we are all old enough to understand the "cycle" right?  

Anyways yesterday I was at brick house and bought a $3 side of broccoli and a $3 side salad.  Now I am not sure why I paid more for broccoli than I did for lettuce with shredded cheese on it?  Doesn't cheese cost MORE than vegetables?  Just my $0.02 but I was super proud that I made that decision.  I was being pulled for at least an hour on what I should eat.  I had gotten the chance to be around the internet and knew that all I needed to was carbs and so it really shouldn't have been this big of an internal/mental battle.  Out of everything- the mental aspect of this is so hard and so when it's fought it's such a HUGE win especially for someone with a self diagnosed eating disorder.  I mean fuckin seriously, breakfast, lunch, dinner and 2 snacks and call it a day.  Should be simple? Why isn't it?

Another thing is I lost my BC long ago and I still haven't been able to start another month yet.  Um HELLO?!  How bad is it that I will be overjoyed with extreme excitement when mother nature decides to  finally visit me.  No, and the answer is no for those of you who have already thought "gee, maybe shes pregnant" not a chance, not a chance, def would have known by now anyways.

Take into account the back of the mind stress I have going on with this student loan and I have this constant anxiety over food.  Today my goal was to keep the focus off of food and I wasn't able to accomplish it.  Food and food thoughts have such a powerful force over me and no one can truly understand what this feels like unless they are in a deficit so seriously don't even try to be with me on this level because you will never "get it"  It's the annoying feeling of being hungry but knowing you can only eat a certain thing.  It's the annoying feeling of being hungry but knowing you can't eat for another 2 hours.  It's the ridiculous feeling of feeling hungry but can't figure out why because you just fucking ate!!

Today I had my internship from 1030-7 but we got out early.  I sent out texts to like 5 people saying how much life loves me for keeping me away from a trail mix binge fest because I was going to go get some inbetween clients.  Well in the end I ended up eating nuts anyways and now I have that feeling.  I can't even explain it because its deeper than I can express.  It's stuck, I feel guilty for not measuring/weighing the nuts and not knowing how much I really consumed for today.  I am also feeling scared about this "bulking" phase.  I don't know what that is going to look like or feel like.  I weigh in on Saturday and I am hoping to see a loss but in the next few months my trainer wants to see a muscle gain and so I am not sure how I will handle this either and maybe that, which has always been in the back of my head, is starting to surface and show itself in different ways.  I KNOW KNOW KNOW KNOW I shouldn't eat nuts or trail mix and I  think I have given it up 3 times already.  The only reason I started eating it again was because I needed the fats.

I feel very stressed right now writing this because I feel as if I have a lot to say and no words to put it into that What was different today than other days? If I follow my SFBT (Solution Focused Brief Therapy) on myself-good grief, how pathetic- I would ask myself what's different on the days when I do well, when I feel confident and follow the plan, hence Solution focused NOT problem focused.  On the days I do well and feel confident I had better food choices.  For example yesterday I was extremely bored but I didn't focus on food, and I had more filling meals.  Actually, that is a lie, I was bored and I got out of work early so I used my laptop and that distracted me from thinking about food.  When I am at my internship I am literally just sitting the whole time.  

I could be on here all night trying to get all of this out.  Basically, I am doing well and I know I am and this is NOTHING compared to other slip ups, this is just an-i-went-over-my-calories-today-kind of day.  I did not let it lead me to the negative thinking that it could have because I reached out.  I texted my trainer and told him that I feel guilty because I don't know how much I ate, that I know I overate and I guess it does start the negative thinkin process.  I can't help it though.  I so seriously want to do so much better at this next competition but then I think it's the fact that I get mad at myself because I keep making the same mistakes over and over again.  For example I know I shouldn't be doing anything with nuts but yet I still mess around with them.

I also think I need to-like emphasized in SF- is to focus on the positive things.  I have not binged, I have been eating healthy, I CAN accomplish this goal and get better at it.  I think as long as I stay focused on the goal and be honest not only with myself but with my trainer and allow him into my world a little more by texting and communicating more with him and all of my other supportive friends that I can PREVAIL!