I get to the gym and then realize I left my ipod in the car. fuck. So I ran back to get it. Fuck. I brought it with me after all. At this point I know getting to class on time just isn't going to happen and that didn't make me move any faster. I wanted a good workout and I had an awesome workout!
After class I went to the library to be a productive little human being. After going back to get my headphones this time once I got settled and started listening to my recorded session that I care barely make out what I am saying. How am I supposed to write like this? So I drive all the way back home. Pit stop at Delta Sonic, had to clean up Alana, she has been a dirty girl! Get home and hardly get anything accomplished because there is so much other shit going on around me that I can't concentrate. Not only that but I realize my Pre-juding DVD has arrived so of course it's another distraction except this one ruined it all. I started critiquing myself like a MOFO and so then I started to get depressed and started thinking about what I looked like then, what I looked like a week before that and how much better I looked and then my boyfriend had to start acting different and dump me and I ruined my bod because I had to deal with my emotions with food. Now as I am typing this what did I just do when I was watching the DVD? Was I hungry? yes, but was I leading with my emotions and feelings too? Yes. I should have included some protein in my snack but I started mowing down rice cakes. I got to work ate a bunch of the croutons I said weren't worth it yesterday but were today and made my stromboli. It took me 1.5 hours to eat the damn thing.
Anyways the moral of this ridiculous blog today is that I am having a hard time settling in to this new "bulking" phase and when I start seeing the scale go up even more I know I am going to freak out. I know know know know know I shouldn't be judging my worth based on a set of numbers BUT it IS a hard habit to break for those of you that know. Soemtimes it's hard to express things sometimes because I know other readers who arent competitors or religious gym goers, or healthy eaters just don't understand what the big deal is. The big deal is that I WANT to keep competing, I WANT to do better and make better decisions. My cheat meal today was a huge piece of bread with sodium and protein and I honestly could and really would like to go from now until Thanksgiving without having another re-feed. I think I will use RF instead of cheat, cheat makes it sound wrong.
I have a bad habit of not seeing the positive things I accomplish but only the negative and what went wrong. I AM learning though. Learning from what others have taught me along the way as they pass through my life. I am learning that I do not see competing as such a huge deal as others may. I see myself on that stage as not a girl who gave it her all. I see a girl who went through a lot during the competition and had so many set backs it caused her to almost place last. These are the kinds of things that go through my head and I know they drag me down. So was there a time when I was proud? My pictures on my facebook when I was a week out I looked better than when I was on stage. The pics my ex boyfriend took, I was proud of those. Well Talia, what was different? I was happy, I was following the plan, I was determined. So what makes that time different from this? I guess I was using my cheat meal as an excuse to slip in a few other things. Whatever. I didn't binge. I didn't let myself fall into the whirl wind of negativity.
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